CollarMe Hell: Dudes Love Their Wheels

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     Okay, honest question: what is with the obsession guys have for their cars (and motorcycles, and boats)?  Seriously.

      Men post a lot of pictures in their ads of themselves posing with their wheels.  Or on them.  Or inside of them.  Or riding them.  

     I’m mystified.  I have not seen a woman posing with a car.  

     Actually, a smart woman ought to do that!  GUYS WOULD LOVE IT!  Shit, guys love pictures of models in bikinis on cars!  Guys love that shit so much that they pay for magazines full of such pictures! 

Hot Babes and Wheels

     CollarMe is full of bad pornographic cartoons, wolves and hawks (or lions or panthers if the guy posting is black–black dudes like lions, not wolves, I’ve noticed), and men on wheels!  It’s like a damn auto digital auto show in there!

     This guy was actually pretty cute (and my brother has a bike just like that–I learned to ride myself on something similar). But see the background?  Does that look like NYC to you?  No.  

     This guy’s photo has two for two: macho bike and a very serious, macho Dom-ly scowl on his face.  Just take my word for it:

      Not to be outdone, our next suitor is posing with not one…not two…but THREE METHODS OF TRANSPORTATION!  A bike, a truck, aaand a hugeass R.V.!!!  He’s like, “These other guys have nothin’ on me!  Take that, bitches!” 

3, count em, 3 machines!

      That’s enough Men&Machines for now.  You get the idea. 

      This dude has emailed me four times.  I haven’t responded and I am not going to.  But I do have to hand it to him: I am almost impressed with the way that he just doesn’t care.  I mean, it takes either a true sense of humor, or a breathtaking amount of confidence, to use this as your profile photograph and email it to women in the hopes of attracting them:

“I give CollarMe two thumbs up!”

    First, where the hell are you?  That’s not a cemetery, is it?  Does it look like a cemetery to anyone else?  
    What is that shirt you are wearing?  It’s not a tank top.  It’s a t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up.  If you’re going to do that, why not just wear a tank top?  In any event, it is unacceptable to wear a shirt like that anywhere except the beach, a fishing expedition, or camping.  Maybe doing lawn work.  Are you doing lawn work in the cemetery, sir? 

      Arrrgh…my eyes!  My eyes!

   This is the avatar photo of another guy who emailed me.  I’m telling you: wolves and roses.  Hawks and roses.  Lions and roses.  It is a zoo full of predatory animals.  You know what would really get my attention?  A dude with something cool, like an aardvark. 

       What do you want to bet that this person listened to Guns n Roses?  That’s okay.  Being white trash myself, I own Appetite for Destruction too!  “Cold November Rain!” Hey, a girl can’t listen to Beethoven ALL the time!  Sometimes you just want to put on some leopard print camis, snort some meth, and play with guns! 

      Actually, that avatar looks like a kids’ temporary tattoo that you could get out of a machine at the grocery store for 50 cents.  

       A reader, Paltego–whose site, FemDom Resource, I link to on the sidebar–dug the Guns n Roses shout-out, so I went to Most Holy YouTube and found the music video.

       Truly, if CollarMe was a music video, it would look like this.  Is there a cornier music video in existence?  And if there is, would you please post the link so that I can watch it? 

CollarMe Hell: “My Submission Is A Gift!” REALLY?

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       I got a promising hit on CollarMe!  FINALLY!  A European sadist who can quote Goethe and Baudelaire and read Celine in French!

       Wait…I better check and make sure this guy’s not Heinrich.  It’s gotta be Heinrich.  

     Boy, did I ever blow it with Heinrich.  I kept it platonic because I was worried that having sex with him would eventually lead to the dissolution of the friendship.  I waited too long and then he got a girlfriend and then he went to work back in Germany. :-/

      Anyway, where was I…?  Oh yeah!

      I browsed some of the FemSub ads to see what the men were dealing with.  And to check out the competition, I admit.  

       “My submission is a gift!” I saw this silly statement on many FebSub ads.

       REALLY?  Wow.  What gave you that idea?  I work with a lot of male subs and masochists.  They say some silly things sometimes, and they can be selfish, but I don’t think any of them has ever said something like that to me.  

       Let’s deconstruct this statement.  It is problematical for several reasons.  

      First, a gift is something that is given without the expectation of reciprocation. When I give presents to people, I don’t remind them of how precious or expensive the gift is.  That’s manipulative.  There are words to describe manipulative subs and manipulative people in general.  Most of the words are not complimentary. 

    Secondly: sadomasochism is embarassing enough without adding an additional layer of cheese and canned corn over it.  Jesus Christ. Are we going to a Renaissance Faire next?  I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely terrified that a filmmaker out there is planning to make a Trekkies-style documentary about us.  When that happens–and it will–we will never, ever live it down.  

    Third: this statement has a defensive tone to it.  The submission-as-gift thing was often right next to assurances that the individual was aggressive in other roles in life/accomplished/not a doormat/a feminist/wealthy/independent/etc.  My personal belief is that if you have to qualify your submission, then you are ashamed of it.  Also, you shouldn’t have to describe your accomplishments and personality to anyone outside of a job interview.  If you are aggressive, anyone who is not an idiot is going to be able to recognize it.  If you are educated, people are going to think: “This person sounds well-read.”  Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being submissive, is there?  Don’t make excuses for it!  You’re not in court!  

       Finally: who the hell are you trying to fool?  If you’re submissive or masochistic, you don’t do it because it’s a gift to another person.  You do it because it’s who you are.  You do it because it gets you off.  You do it because you enjoy it.  You do it because it turns you on.  It’s not a sacrifice, or a gesture of accord or honor towards the other person.  If you weren’t doing it with them, you’d be doing it for someone else if you possibly could.  I’ve hurt a hundred men in all sorts of ways, and not one of them endured it as a gift to me.  I’m not vain enough to tell myself otherwise.  

     (One time I had a conversation with someone about that beating I got from the Attorney–that incident with the sexual favors, when I declined to take his money.  The person I was talking to said, “What a total, selfless act of masochism.”  This person’s analysis was very misinformed.  There was nothing–nothing–selfless about my behavior that day.)  

       Tangentially, if your submission is a gift, then what, exactly, is the dominance your partner provides?  Chopped liver?  Dominance is a lot of work.  A lot of work.  And you have to practice it a lot in order to get good at it. 
         That’s my take on that.

      And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the worst CollarMe graphic of the day.  It is like some sort of unholy trifecta of canned corn: a rose, a wolf, and the full moon.  AND a hawk.  Niiiiiiiice!  


CollarMe Hell: What Have You Got Against Wolves?

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    The CollarMe Hell series is going to write itself.  If I can stick it out, that is.  I’m not sure I’m going to be able to.  

     New Rule: no more checking my messages first thing in the morning.  I just did that, as I sucked down the first if the day’s ten Diet Pepsis, and now I want to climb back in bed and pull the covers over my head.  

       There are many things to share, but I think I’ll opt for this one…the profile picture of man who wrote to me:

         Why?  Why, God, why?

          He’s not a teenager, either–no getting off the hook!  He’s older than me!  He’s middle-aged!  ARRRRGH!  

        Here, I will be nice and cleanse your eyeballs with something gentle and soothing.  

        Scientists have identified a new species of monkey in the Congo.  And what an awesome-looking monkey it is!

           Some commentors think the monkey looks disturbing, but I disagree.  I think he looks COOL!  Very human-esque.  The internet is full of memes debating which celebrity he most closely resembles.  My money’s on John Lennon.  

       I saw the Mathematician the other night. 

PIECESOFMARGO Presents: CollarMe Hell

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     Okay, so…this blog is, in part, about disclosure, so here it is (because I’m not going to tell ANYONE else in my life):

      I joined–or re-joined–the BDSM personals ad service CollarMe.

      Shoot me now! barf barf barf barf

      I only just re-joined fairly recently and I already want to die.  Why don’t I just give it up?  I’m doomed!  Doomed to be alone forever!

     (Though, realistically, I know that once I’m in a relationship and get comfortable, I’ll be saying, “I’m doomed!  Doomed to live forever in this boring-ass relationship!  THINK OF ALL THE OTHER EXCITING STUFF I COULD BE DOING!”  Like Chris Rock says: You can be Married and bored, or single and lonely.) 

     I’ll just put myself on the record now as saying: CollarMe is a sewer.  A.  Sewer.  A sewer on par with Craigslist, if Craigslist was all BDSM and lacked community policing.  It is so bad that I almost didn’t post about it here, because I’m so ashamed of being a member.

     I’ve received about a hundred responses to my profile so far.  Four are promising.  One dude is a diplomat with compatible political tastes.  We’ve been emailing and chatting back and forth.  He’s cute, too!  Very well-educated.  Age appropriate–well, pretty much–younger than 40.

       The catch…?  (Because you KNEW there was one!)

       He’s stationed in Asia. 

        Another good hit: a dashing Army officer.  Used to be a Drill Sergeant.  Imagine the possibilities! The mouth waters, it positively waters! 

        But I ain’t moving to the army base in Hicksville. 

        I did find a promising shibari teacher.  That’s good.

        And I found The Attorney.  Or, more accurately, he found me.  Yeah, that Attorney–Mr. Sadistic “The Pizza Was Fantastic!”  My profile was up for less than two hours when he contacted me.  

        I didn’t respond, but I have to admit, I still think about that man from time to time.  I know he’s bad news and I dodged a bullet with him when he rejected me, but those were superlative beatings. That man was so skilled.  So, so skilled.  He was so precise.  God.

      **shaking myself out of it**

      God help me.

      Anyway…until I throw in the towel on CollarMe, again, and run  screaming in the opposite direction, again, I am going to start a new blog series: “CollarMe Hell.”

         In CollarMe Hell, I will share ghastly, demoralizing, and/or hilarious shit I find on CollarMe.  I’ve actually been kicking around this idea for some time, but I’ve never done it because it feels mean to pick on people’s internet dating profiles.  I mean, really.  But I figure, if I don’t share people’s correspondence, or face, or share the screen-name/alias attached to whatever I post, it’s not that bad, is it…?  Especially if I take it down if anyone complains?  

       Anyway, here is the first installment of CollarMe Hell.  Sent from the profile of a male dominant who emailed me:

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