Sucky Update

Well, guys, I just wanted to check in.  I don’t know what to tell you.  I had to have surgery, so I went off the Naltrexone.  It was a minor surgery and everything is fine…except that I relapsed.

Physically, medically, I can’t explain it. I’ve been MOSTLY sober for years, but when I started drinking, ALL of my physical symptoms came back.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging–I’m too sick, and my thought process is too unclear.  I can’t write. I have no focus.

A week ago, I took 4 days off to get through the DTs. I threw up in a bucket by my bed. On the third day, I started to hallucinate.  I’ve had mild auditory hallucinations before, as if I heard the sound of white noise or a radio coming in from next door, but these were REAL hallucinations. I saw things that were not there. I TALKED to them. I talked to ghost hallucinations in my bedroom.  And I knew, when I was doing it, that they could not be possible, but I saw them, and tried to touch them.

I had to go to work.  I thought the withdrawals would be done by them, but they weren’t, so I had to limp to the gas station at 4 AM and buy 3 of those little airline bottles of whiskey. I must have looked like hell.  My eyes were watering and I was shaking all over. The Indian (not Native American) clerk asked me if I was okay.

Now I know that I will probably need 6 days.  I know it’s going to hurt like hell, but I have to do it. All my bills are paid and I have money in the bank, so it should be okay.

I have fucked up so badly.  I can only sleep for three hours at a time. I lay in bed and cry, but I know that I brought it on myself.