“Because I’ve Abused You”

     We were in my bedroom, on the bed.  

      The Surgeon was on top of me, drilling into me.  He’d placed a pillow over my head, presumably because he wouldn’t have to look at my face, but possibly because he fantasized about smothering me to death with it.  In the future, whenever I thought about going back to him, I’d tell myself: remember the pillows.

      He was having difficulty achieving orgasm.

      “When I leave, I’m going to turn off the lights, and you’re going to stay in bed.  You’re going to stay in bed and cry.  Do you know why?”

        “Why?” I asked, from under the pillow.

         “Because I’ve abused you,” he said.

         And with the vision of that event in his head, he was finally able to come.

          How do you think that made me feel?

         When he left, he turned off the lights.

         And me…?

         I stayed.  I stayed for two more years.

11 thoughts on ““Because I’ve Abused You””

    1. Yeah, well. I knew who he was, and I stayed.

      It would be fun for you to call him on the phone at work–if you told him you knew about our relationship, he’d piss his pants–but I don’t think you’d make it past his gauntlet of secretaries.

    2. They know he’s a sadist because he’s a rageaholic raging dickhead to everyone in his life, including his patients. You can read his yelp reviews.

      They also know that he’s a notorious womanizer. He doesn’t try to hide it.

      Do they know he goes to dungeons and hires sex workers? Or that he’s a perv? No. He does hide that.

  1. I don’t understand. If he thought you were beautiful,, why would he cover your head with a pillow?

    In some of his earlier posts he sounded funny, like telling you how to negotiate with the landlord, buut he sounds absolutely terrible here. Sick

    1. He covered my face in order to dehumanize me so that he could orgasm. He didn’t need to do it every time, but sometimes he did. He also couldn’t stand the vulnerability of the orgasm and didn’t want me looking at his face when he was in it. At first I thougt it was funny, but over time, it became very hurtful, especially after we’d just finished a very intimate sex-and-kink marathon, which was often. I wanted to be there with him, and he had to check out, or be alone with himself when he came.

      The things I could tell you about this man and his sexual issues. You have no idea.

  2. Hi Margo

    “rageaholic raging dickhead”—That’s funny. We all have known someone like that. I’m going to have to use it someday. I don’t believe in the god of the bible, but I do believe in karma and boy has this guy built up a lot of bad karma. You may be able to take some comfort that in his next life he will probably come back as one of those little fishes that swim around the bottom of aquariums eating the pond scum.

    Be well and take care of yourself.


    1. the surgeon is more like the excrement from the little fish that eat pond scum. and even that doesn’t make me feel better. i still want to fuck him up.

  3. “He also couldn’t stand the vulnerability of the orgasm”

    A really profound observation that hits the nail squarely on the head.

    This is not a ‘Surgeon’ problem. This is a ‘man’ problem, and more particularly, a ‘masculinity’ problem.

    As the English feminist Lynne Segal has repeatedly pointed out in her books and articles, men manage to desire, yet at the same time be terrified of the intimacy and helplessness of orgasm.

    In an interesting piece entitled ‘Talking Straight: Reclaiming Hopes for Women’s Sexual Liberation’, she writes:

    “There is nothing inevitable about the occurrence or the preferred form of heterosexual bonding. As any prostitute knows, straight men are both terrified of, yet passionately attracted to, powerlessness and loss of control.”

    Since fear and anger are bedfellows, the Surgeon’s rage against women in general, and you in particular, is perfectly understandable. This, of course, does not stop it from being disgusting and morally repulsive.

    1. While I don’t disagree with your thesis, I think that in this case you are over-thinking it.

      The Surgeon has an abuse problem which stems from a hugely inflated sense of his own worth. He doesn’t respect anyone. His problems with intimacy are much deeper than sexual.

      I’ve had sex with dozens of men–I think about 30 now–and if you count the men I’ve seen orgasm at work, it has to be at least 100, 150. This comment may come back to haunt me, because society loooovvves to pathologize women with sexual experience, but so what. My point is: I’m not the biggest fan of the XY chromosome club, but the most common emotions they display in my presence after orgasm are gratitude and relief. Following that, regret and resentment (almost always clients, who come to their senses and realize they’re in the dungeon AGAIN and they’ve paid for it AGAIN), and , finally hostility.

      Thank Christ, almost nobody has treated me with the resentment and hatred the Surgeon periodically evidenced.

      I’ll give you another clue: one of the first times I ever had sex with the man (and this was outside the dungeon), I was performing fellatio, and he looked down at me in the dark and said, “You’ve sucked a million cocks.” He was full of hatred. I could feel it.

      I, of course, was offended, and asked him what his problem was, and what sort of thing is that to say to a girl who is sucking your dick? A normal man would be enjoying himself.

      In that moment, he hated me because he was jealous.

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