Fortinbras Returns

     My favorite client, Fortinbras, is coming back to town, and he wants to book me for an overnight.  I have never done an overnight session before.  I’ve had three serious inquiries, but the clients were such that I just could not bear to be around them for that length of time, even if they were submissive and one of them wanted to sleep all tied up in a sleeping bag underneath my bed.

 (I crashed at Mr. Wolf’s once because it was late and we were both exhausted and, frankly, I was lonely and so was he and he offered and I just felt like doing it.  I like Mr. Wolf, even if he did say something offensive on or last Dinner-and-Kinkfest date: “Usually, I don’t want to spend time with sex workers outside of the session, but I really enjoy spending time with you and talking with you and going places with you.  You’re special.  Most girls on (internet sex worker advertising board) are not like you.”  Well, Mr. Wolf, I know you meant that as a compliment, but fuck you very much for insulting other sex workers and by the way, I hate it when men ‘compliment’ me by comparing me favorably to other women.  It’s offensive!  But whatevs.)

      My relationship with Fortinbras has gone well.  After the confusion and mini-freakout last summer, I have done a good job of maintaining my emotional boundaries with him.  I remain attracted to him and I enjoy him very much, and I can tell that this makes him feel good.  He puts effort into keeping in touch with me as he travels, which is most of the time.  His emails are flirtatious, but he also tries to impress me or show off his intellect a bit (not difficult, given that his IQ is in the stratosphere).  He also seems to enjoy cultivating my taste and introducing me to artistical things.  He takes me out in public with him whenever he’s in town. 

      This is not normal client behavior. 

     Fortinbras is getting some of his emotional needs met by me. Not many–he has a very busy career, a family he adores, tons of shit to do.  But, I make him feel good.  Among other things, he intuits that I would be there for free, had we met in the outside world and not on a sex-worker bullition board.  I think he finds this exciting and flattering. 

      I think that he is going to ask me to be his mistress.  I could be wrong, but I’ve been through this before, and all the signs are there.

      He has a good head on his shoulders–he’s not going to fall in love with me, he’s not going to do anything to jeopardize his career or his family.  He’s not going to get jealous of me, or territorial.  I think that all he wants is complete and consistent sexual access, and he wants to be given priority over the other men (clients) in my life.  He wants me to be available to him when he wants to see me.

       These are the issues: 

       —  There are worse things in life than being the professional girlfriend of a super rich guy I’m sexually attracted to.  But, I’ve done this before, and I know that while it can be fun, it is not exactly fulfilling. I am still working, and still there for him.  It is not a mutual partnership.  

      — I slept much better at night knowing that I enjoyed the protection of a powerful man.  The Surgeon did not regularly give me money or support me once our relationship became personal, but he did save my ass on more than one occasion, and it was a huge comfort to me just to know that at least the money was there if I ever hit a crisis. 

      –Fortinbras does not know that I work in a commercial dungeon.  He is an open-minded dude with a non-judgmental attitude towards sex, but I get the feeling that there is no fucking way he would tolerate that.  In fact, if he knew that I was working at the Studio, it might be an automatic deal-breaker.

         On the other hand, I really need an excuse to quit.
       — If I do this, I need to decide exactly what it is that I want to get out of this arrangement.  The energy that I spend on him is energy that will not be spent finding a real relationship, and I’m not getting any younger.  I deserve to be compensated.  Gifts are nice, but my landlord doesn’t take Kiki de Montparnasse.

       The last year was pretty awful for me.  It would be nice to start having some fun again.  Fortinbras is fun.

       But then, to quote one of my AA friends: “You need to stop having fun, and start being happy.”

      If anyone has thoughts or advice please comment or email me privately:

      P.S.  Thank God he’s been out of town for a few months–I’ve managed to lose most of the weight I gained when I relapsed and I look much better.  Whew. 

3 thoughts on “Fortinbras Returns”

  1. nothing wrong with having some fun!! happiness is such a nebulous concept , fun is much more visceral and immediate. string a bunch of fun times together and hey you might begin to feel happy, who knows. good luck with the evening, enjoy!!

  2. Dear Miss Margo,

    A tricky decision. I get the sense that you don’t have a long term career plan – how to transition out of domming to whatever. The only thing I can think to add to what you have laid out is that it is risky to become too dependent on a single customer in any business. Things, change – he could tire of you; he could get hit by a bus. I really can feel how difficult your work at the studio can be. Your writing conveys that really well. A guy you enjoy would be so much better than being at the mercy of whoever stumbles into the studio with some cash. Good luck.


    1. Hi, John:

      Never in my life have I relied on a man to financially support me, and I’m not going to get cozy and complacent with Fortinbras.

      I cannot make a living teaching or tutoring undergrads in NYC or Tri-State area. I teach at a junior college now and I tutor for the GRE, and it doesn’t pay rent. Being a professor was the ambition of my adult life. Accepting that that was is not feasible has been very painful. All I wanted to do was teach. I’m good at it, too. All I want is to teach and read and write stuff. I complain about my students on the blog, but, really, I am protective of them; I like them.

      I’m mostly over it…that it will never be my primary job. Other options are professional writer or the bureaucracy,.

      Sobriety comes first. Fortinbras may give me a few months’ security. I have decisions to make about my future.

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