Parrot & Margo: Two Lonely Ladies!

       Parrot is freaking out again.  

       She constantly shreds the newspaper in her cage and chews on her wooden toys.  She is typically a quiet bird, but now she becomes agitated at the sound of traffic outside and she screams.  She knocks her beak against hard surfaces.  Knock…knock…knock.  Her eyes pinpoint and dilate, pinpoint and dilate.  

       I don’t try to touch her.  Usually she can’t get enough head scratches from me…but now I think that she’d hurt me.

       I think she’s going to lay an egg again.

       Parrot is lonely.  Parrot needs a boyfriend.  Parrot has sexual urges which torture her. 

         I feel you, Parrot.  I really do.

         Aside from the basketball player and the Navy crewman I picked up in the bar with my girlfriend, I have had no sexual experiences since Abduction Weekend.  Abduction Weekend was a hell of a ride, but I had no sex before that since the Mathematician.  My sex life sucks and I feel like I’m losing my mind.  I have primordial biological impulses that are not being satisfied.  This is making me miserable.  The only positive thing to come out of it is that I’ve been going to the gym every day to burn off the anxiety caused by the tension.  

        It’s almost time for Final exams and I can’t even grade papers.  That is how sexually frustrated I am (and Oh God, if my students’ parents ever read this, I will be canned for certain….oh dude, put that on my RateMyProfessors profile!).  Believe me, my students’ weekly 3-page essays are the most unerotic readings in the universe.  I still can’t concentrate.  I have to keep taking breaks to jump into bed.  I have weird dreams at night and I’m changing the sheets twice a week because I sweat and I’m the only one sleeping in my bed.  I want to burn my computer chair.  It’s fucking disgusting, what that computer chair has seen.  I keep scrubbing it with fabric cleaner and Fabreeze, I have such a guilty conscience, it’s like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story…instead of The Tell-Tale Heart, it’s The Tell-Tale Computer Chair.  

        It really says something when I’m looking forward to getting manhandled by some European tourist–a European tourist!  In a sweater!  A turtlenecked sweater!–this weekend because nobody’s laid their hands on me in forever.

        Yup!  Just me and Parrot, freaking out in our stupid little apartment with our sad little Christmas Tree!  Two sad females in the Lonely Hearts Club! 

         At least the bird doesn’t have a choice.  She has an excuse.  There are no Senegal Parrots flying free around Manhattan.  

        I watch UFC fights constantly in my free time.  I can’t stand meatheads and I object to violence on an intellectual level, but I become very excited watching the men fight.  I imagine that one of them was me (the loser, of course).  I imagine how helpless I would be.  I have experienced enough violence at the hands of men to be afraid of them.  The fear is mixed with awe.   

        Terror and awe.  Pain and awe.  Idolization.  Worship.  Service.  

    waiting waiting waiting

8 thoughts on “Parrot & Margo: Two Lonely Ladies!”

  1. Oh dear. Reminds me of the old Irish folk song. Not politically correct but…

    Oh well, I’m away home for there’s nobody heedin’
    There’s nobody heedin’ to poor Annie’s pleadin’
    And I’m away home to me own wee bit garret
    If I can’t get a man, then I’ll surely get a parrot.
    For it’s oh dear me, how will it be
    If I die an old maid in a garret.

    1. Yes, “Oh dear” is right, just shoot me and put me out of my misery…!

      Love the poem, but what is a garret…? Wait, I’ll look it up now…

      noun: garret; plural noun: garrets

      a top-floor or attic room, esp. a small dismal one (traditionally inhabited by an artist).

      That is actually a pretty accurate description of Margo Manor.

      And have I mentioned today how much I hate Christmas carols?

    2. Please allow me to amend that: Margo Manor is a tenement, but it is also full of houseplants and books and worthless reproductions of priceless works of art. And birdies. It is crummy, but it’s not a hovel.

      And have I mentioned today how much I hate Christmas carols?

    1. Roy, I SO much want to take the easy way out and give my little teenaged scholars scantrons. SCANTRONS! Let the machine grade em! But NOOOOOO, I make my little scholars write, and now I have to grade their retarded essays and it makes me crave the Grog Nog. I honestly think my alcoholism took off when I started teaching.

      But thank you. I’m hanging in there.

      best of luck with your students’ finals

  2. I am sorry you are frustrated but this is a interesting to me. I never hear women saying things like this. You are very pretty and funny. I don’t understand how you dont have a husband?

  3. I’m so sorry about your frustration! I remember those days… and remember preparing for a date with delight: “I’m gonna have sex tonight!!” After marriage and kids I thought those days were long behind me until I hit menopause… hello libido, my old friend! 🙂 But it’s much more gentle now, more of a nudge than a whipping. But both the hubby and I are happy about it 🙂
    But speaking of grading papers, have you seen this article:

    1. Hi Anne!

      Really? Your sex drive came back in menopause? I thought it was supposed to go away because, well, hormones.

      I wasn’t even orgasmic until I was like 22 (though oh boy did I make up for lost time). It has been relentless ever since. Men are supposed to have it worse, but sometimes I am skeptical. It’s one reason I usually have a few guys on the side, though that isn’t the case–sadly–today. I’ve never had a boyfriend be able to keep up with me.

      I talked to a doctor (NOT the Surgeon, though he said I was hyper-sexual) about it once and she said I was normal, but if I wanted to kill my sex drive I ought to have a baby. “You will not want sex for three years,” she said. Maybe that is nature’s form of birth control…? Not that men ever cared.

      No babies in the foreseeable future for me, so I will just continue to suffer. 🙁

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