What the Hell Did I Just See?

      I was going to write an introduction for these weird ads, but I think that they can be presented without editorializing.  

      Ummm….what the hell did I just see?

     It’s not just me, is it?  All of it…especially that thing she does with the egg.  That suggests what I think it suggests, doesn’t it?  

     Our second ad, for Finlandia cheese, is just plain bad:

The Cheese Masochist.  Huh?

          I don’t get it.  Can your ad team, Finlandia.  They fucked this one up.  Hire new people. 

       Here’s another good one.  Remember Dave, from my recent post ‘Morning Rant?’  Dave, the bad client I had to fire because of his boundaries issues?

       Well, Dave mailed a card to me at the Studio.  I’ve gotten lots of cards from clients before, and without exception I have found them all either touching, charming, or funny.  

      Until now.

       Dave’s card wins the award for Grossout Awful Card of the Year.  It is creepy and inappropriate–if you had to deal with this guy, you’d understand.  I passed it around the Studio–everyone else thought it was in bad taste, too.

      The card also came with 4 tickets to Cirque de Soleil.  I didn’t ask for these tickets and I don’t particularly enjoy Cirque.  However, if Dave wasn’t a CREEPER, I probably would have taken a few friends and gone to the show anyway, because I have friends who are big fans.  

      I decided not to go because I don’t trust Dave as far as I can throw him.  He’s not dangerous…but I KNEW there had to be a catch to these tickets.  I KNEW it!  

      I sold the tickets on Craigslist.

      The day after the show, Dave sends me an email asking “Where were you?  I was sitting four rows behind you and didn’t see you all night!”

      I knew it!  I knew it!   Dave, you creeper!  Did you think I would allow my friends and I to be ogled by your creepy pervy self?  UGH!  

       Here is Dave’s creepy card.  Might wanna have your barf bags ready.  And you better believe that I’ve been handling this with gloves.  God only knows what’s on it.

      Well, hell, I keep rotating the images, but blogger won’t upload them right-side up.  The text over the first face says “Before meeting you.”  The text over the smiley face says “After meeting you.”   The note on the tickets says “4 tickets rather than 2.  My goal is to always exceed expectations.” 

      Oh yes, Dave, you exceeded my expectations…too bad it was in a negative direction.  I knew you were going to be a pain. 

      Don’t pity him, reader.  He’s a stalkerish drama queen and despite what he says, there’s nothing submissive about it.  I should have been paid submissive rates; that’s how much I had to put up with from him.  I’d bet good money that his household can’t keep babysitters, nannys, or housekeeping staff younger than 35 or 40.  He’s a lech.  I earned every penny from him and I do not feel adequately compensated. 


     The text above the deranged cyclops face says “While engaging in tawdry acts with you.”  HURL.  And see?  He signed with a little D for “Dave.”

       I’m not sure what “tawdry acts” he’s thinking of, because there is no way I would treat him in a manner even remotely flirtatious or sensual.  The tawdry acts must all be in his mind.  I’m sure it’s a swamp in there.  

      Hey Dave!  Do your colleagues at Citibank know that you used your company card to do telephone consultations with me while on lunch break at the Citibank cafeteria?  I hope you washed your hands before you went back to work, Perv.  

      I need to take a shower.

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