The Attorney (II): My Analyst is Grievously Concerned

      This morning I went to see my expensive neo-Freudian analyst.  I was tense and had difficulty being verbal, so we did the laying-on-the-couch thing.  It really is amazing, the way conversation is facilitated–and inhibitions are lowered–when the person one is speaking with is out of eyesight.  I use blindfolds myself on repressed and anxious individuals; it really turns a trick.  Try it yourself and see.

      Anyway, I told her about the Attorney I met last week.  

      To say that she was concerned would be an understatement.  

      After listening to my recollection, she declared him to be a sadist and incapable of having a loving relationship.  

       I thought this was unfair and rather harsh (not to mention incriminatory).  “But how do you know?

       “You just told me.” 

       “I did…?”

       “Yes.  You said that he was a tightly controlled, impassive sadist.”  

       “But I’m a control freak with sadistic instincts, and I’m capable of loving someone!”  I cried.  This seemed monstrously unfair.   

        “He’s not like you.  That beating he took is nothing compared to what he’ll do to you.  He’ll show you how it’s done.”

       I figited, upset.  Then I confessed The Awful Truth: “He’s seen me at my worst.  He knows about my secret life and accepts me anyway.”

       I twisted my head to look up at her.  Usually she has the smooth, neutral psychologist expression on her face (in our first two sessions together, I thought for certain that she didn’t like me.  Interesting, that.).  This time, her eyes were wide so that they showed the whites all around.  She looked kind of freaked out, to tell you the truth.  

      “Margo, this is not a relationship.  He does not know anything about you.  He is not accepting Margo.  You are an object for his hostility.  He wants you because he intuits your masochism.  You are acting out and he is acting out, too.  That is not emotional intimacy.”

       Hello!  Hello!  EARTH TO MARGO!  Come in, Miss Margo!

      “This man will make John look like a toy.  Actually, that is what you will be.  It’ll be fun to be played with, until he turns on you and revokes his compassion.  Then you’ll be confused, and try to win it back.  Sound familiar?”  

       I looked at her, startled.  Appalled, actually, by my capacity for self-delusion.  

      Consider this from the Attorney’s perspective: he hires a pro and hits the jackpot.  She is beautiful, educated, childfree, vulnerable, and sexually relentless.  And let’s cut the shit, here:  I quit the booze and I quit the Surgeon, but my life is weird as hell and I’m not living this way because I am Ms. Norma Normal NYC 2012.  While I wouldn’t describe myself as unhappy, I still live with a goddamned parrot and fifty million books.  My career is languishing, and it’s not because I don’t have skills, credentials, or talent.  

      I have to protect myself.  

      I have an appointment with this guy.  I was sort of counting on the money so that I could buy new boxes of contact lenses, which is actually pretty ironical.  

       Better to cancel it, and borrow from my brother, or something.

2 thoughts on “The Attorney (II): My Analyst is Grievously Concerned”

  1. blindfolds, interesting. the internet is impersonal yet personal. could that explain people’s willingness to expose themselves (anonymously) on the internet?

  2. In my estimation: without a doubt.

    The internet enables base cowards to be bullies. There is no accountability. This is what “frees” people in analysis, or blindfolded people, or certain people on the internet: freedom from being scrutinized; freedom from accountability.

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