I am doing an interview for you, a new potential boyfriend. Please answer honestly (ha!) and completely:
Do you hate your mother, or just have a very weird relationship with her?
Are you a genius and at the height of your profession?
Do complete strangers call you “a total fucking asshole?”
Do you experience road rage?
Are you capable of breaking into your ex-girlfriend’s apartment when she leaves you? Does home invasion give you a boner?
Are you a sadist? Does saying things like “You’re my property!” turn you on?
Have you published in peer-reviewed journals?
Do you hire sex workers, and then blame the sex worker for doing that work? Are you a massive hypocrite?
Do you fantasize about murdering your colleagues because you’re so damn competitive? Do you actively try to hurt their careers?
Are you jealous of my parrot, Abe?
Are you capable of borrowing a cockatoo, or, alternately, abandoning your Amazon parrot at the dog pound when you got tired of him?
Are you emotionally unavailable?
Will I eventually have to get a restraining order?
Do you have a personality disorder?
Will you go through my purse, my phone, and my drawers?
Are you a notorious womanizer?
Are you a millionaire who is absurdly cheap? Will I have to grovel to you to help me out with rent once in my life when I’ve fallen on hard times, after we’ve been together for years?
Do you tip 10%?
Are you ostensibly a Democrat, and then give money to Republican candidates “because taxes?”
Do you have strong opinions about black Americans, even though you have none in your social orbit and practically never speak to one?
Do you own Gucci loafers?
Are you old enough to be my father?
Extra credit if you are Jewish. Sephardic guys to the front of the line. Extra extra points if you fetishize me because of how white I look, but would never marry me in a million years.