I can’t put it off any longer (not that I’ve had much time to put it off at all–this shitstorm of consequences rained down on me just a few days ago).

My 8 readers, as always, deserve The Awful Truth.

I have to go back to rehab.  AGAIN.  Because I relapsed.  AGAIN.

I have been accepted into a rehab facility in town (my home town).  The Collector threw a fit because he knew it would keep us apart and he wanted me to go to Smithers. I know what he’d do.  He’d cruise from physician to physician who had anything to do with my case, looking for the weak one and charming the nurses.

Probably a resident, but one never knows.

Next is WHY. My mother, and others, want to know WHY.

There is no why. One can pan it down to a relentless urge towards self-annihilation, but what we are looking at is a genetic heritable disorder.  I have never met an addict (and I’ve met plenty) who was happy, unless they were inebriated.

I am, simply, tired of fighting it. My addiction has followed me like a tin can tied to a dog’s tail for ten years now.  I get sicker every relapse. Incredibly, I have reached late-stage alcoholism in my mid-30s.

I am going to be away for some months.  The place that I am going to sounds like a prison, and I do not relish it.  But maybe a prison is what I need. I don’t think that modern psychiatry knows how to effectively treat addiction, and that scares me.

Maybe six months in a structured environment will be enough to reset my brain chemistry. At this point, I’d be willing to try anything short of ECT.

I think that the time alone (well, aside from the other junkies and the staff) will also give me time to ruminate about my relationship with the Collector, and whether or not I want to make a family with this man.

The blog is staying up, but I won’t be able to update it for a few months, unless I get a pass to use my PC somehow, which is unlikely.

Please don’t give up on me.  I’ll be back to writing as soon as I possibly can.  I will journal in rehab (even though I HATE writing by hand…but when you gotta write, you gotta write) and I may publish those as blog posts later.

Wish me luck.  You know I have always appreciated you.

Margo


10 thoughts on “”

  1. Dear Margo,
    As someone who also reached late stage alcoholism in my early adulthood (I was drinking a quart of vodka a night, sitting alone in my apartment, when I was in graduate school), I know you can beat this. It’s hard, for sure. But I decided at some point that I wanted to live. I thought I’d make it to 30, but I didn’t see myself making it to 35. So it wasn’t some grand spiritual awaking or opening to Life or the Universe or any resolution of the gaping wounds I carry from my childhood, it was a drive to survive the same as any animal has.

    If I knew some way to make it easier for you, I would share it with you. All I can say is keep trying. You can live with a desire to annihilate yourself without acting on it with alcohol. I have lived years, maybe decades, of my life using every bit of energy I have just to get through the day — and there is nothing objectively terrible about my life. I am just in emotional agony a lot of the time. There are many ways of dealing with it other than alcohol, which is just about the only thing I know that is worse than the way I typically feel. Despite my emotional handicaps, I have had some very good times. Drinking, I would have had none, I would be dead. I never regret getting and staying sober and there are very few things in my life I can say that about.

    Life is better than death. Sobriety is better than drinking. Love is better than indifference. Hope is stronger than despair. To believe there is no hope is to believe a lie. There will be good things for you in your future, probably not as many or as much as you want, or even as many or as much as you deserve. But good things lie ahead.

    I wish the very best for you.

    John

  2. Best of luck, Miss Margo. I’m thinking about you. It may be difficult and sucky, but you have the power to get and stay sober. Be patient and kind to yourself.

  3. Wow. You won’t get to read this any time soon, but I really hope you pull through. Controlling addiction is hard as hell, but it is possible. I know it doesn’t fit into your belief system, but I’ll pray for you. if all that means is that there are best wishes going in your direction, then maybe that will help anyway.

  4. I’ve just read over your blog , primarily after you got involved in this last shit show relationship. I looked at many of the comments and there was some good, from the heart advice! For what it’s worth , now that you are back in rehab u might take the time to look at how these seemingly very destructive relationships are emotionally and physically killing you!! Man there are times i wish i could just yell “what are u thinking” please use the time to confront your demons and help yourself. I am writing this as someone who has followed you for awhile and wish you the best!

  5. Been backtracking in here for days. It’s very much not my lifestyle & preferences, but it’s extremely interesting to me. I’m in a different sector. I’ve played with some BDSM situations work wise, but not really my thing. There’s bits and pieces I like, but that’s it.

    Very, very hard to find a male dominant, especially one who attracts you particularly, who will please & fulfill you in the bedroom, but not have the assholery spill into other areas. I met one who wanted to see me regularly, who took me for the latent real thing, just because I play along so well. But, within a few meets, I couldn’t fucking stand him because he wanted me to interact with him a certain way outside of sessions. Fuck. That! Not enough $, not often enough for that crap. One other who was really into spanking & met lifestyle girls more often than paid ones, ended up poofing away on me. Probably because I wasn’t looking for “guidance.” Nope, pretty comfortable in my life, especially 2 years ago when I saw no real end in sight to how my life is now, and was content.

    Sobriety – I suppose a number of people, probably most, who have dealt with binging and addiction get tired of it, eventually. 30-40 seems really common. I know you can do it, and it’ll make you happier. I hope your time away focusing on yourself makes you value yourself enough to be pickier with men. Maybe it’d be better to have an older guy who’s a *little* kinky and structured, who’s ok with you getting the rest of your sexual needs fulfilled outside? Anyway, I have a long history with various partying, but eventually found my one that hooked me, that I didn’t like much at first. Figure that out. It’s been nearly a decade. I’m 35 myself. I’ve decided I need to stop and move away and probably go back to the “normal” world in a year to year and a half. Stop before it makes my life too hard. I’m only half tired of a couple little things about it, but rather not be destitute and fucked and still addicted. I’ve actually been through periods that were pretty bad, just not as bad as it could be. My fiance is off quitting right now. He’s 40. I miss him. I don’t want him to be miserable inside my life basically, that I’ve long accepted. That’s now another reason to stop. He’s talked about it forever, but took the leap.

    Good luck & see you back soon.

  6. I finally read your whole blog! I’ve seen “pieces” through the years, but decided to read the entirety. I wish there was more!

    I’ve commented throughout, and even asked a question or two, not that I know what posts they’re on anymore.

    I hope you heal in your time away and come back stronger and healthy. You deserve it. I hope you also one day find a man who meets you in the middle; a man who is sexually satisfying, but not a jackass besides. You deserve that, as well!

  7. Hey – I just wanted to say I hope you are doing better now or at least on your way to feeling better. You don’t know me but I check in on your blog here and there. You’re in my thoughts.

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