I can’t put it off any longer (not that I’ve had much time to put it off at all–this shitstorm of consequences rained down on me just a few days ago).
My 8 readers, as always, deserve The Awful Truth.
I have to go back to rehab. AGAIN. Because I relapsed. AGAIN.
I have been accepted into a rehab facility in town (my home town). The Collector threw a fit because he knew it would keep us apart and he wanted me to go to Smithers. I know what he’d do. He’d cruise from physician to physician who had anything to do with my case, looking for the weak one and charming the nurses.
Probably a resident, but one never knows.
Next is WHY. My mother, and others, want to know WHY.
There is no why. One can pan it down to a relentless urge towards self-annihilation, but what we are looking at is a genetic heritable disorder. I have never met an addict (and I’ve met plenty) who was happy, unless they were inebriated.
I am, simply, tired of fighting it. My addiction has followed me like a tin can tied to a dog’s tail for ten years now. I get sicker every relapse. Incredibly, I have reached late-stage alcoholism in my mid-30s.
I am going to be away for some months. The place that I am going to sounds like a prison, and I do not relish it. But maybe a prison is what I need. I don’t think that modern psychiatry knows how to effectively treat addiction, and that scares me.
Maybe six months in a structured environment will be enough to reset my brain chemistry. At this point, I’d be willing to try anything short of ECT.
I think that the time alone (well, aside from the other junkies and the staff) will also give me time to ruminate about my relationship with the Collector, and whether or not I want to make a family with this man.
The blog is staying up, but I won’t be able to update it for a few months, unless I get a pass to use my PC somehow, which is unlikely.
Please don’t give up on me. I’ll be back to writing as soon as I possibly can. I will journal in rehab (even though I HATE writing by hand…but when you gotta write, you gotta write) and I may publish those as blog posts later.
Wish me luck. You know I have always appreciated you.