Well, readers, I’m not going to sugar-coat anything: I had a relapse in Thailand and couldn’t pull myself out of it. It was exactly how they told me a real relapse would be in rehab: you can control your drinking for a few weeks, and then it snowballs and everything goes to shit and you end up exactly where you bottomed out…or even lower.
I started sneaking booze out of the bar while he was at work. Part of me hates to be drunk because I can’t do anything or think critically while I’m drunk. At the same time, it kills all the feelings and seems to make life bearable until the shitstorm from the unavoidable consequences rains down. I’ve struggled with this so many years now that I should have known what would happen.
Actually, I knew. The sense of impending doom.
I tried to quit drinking at least four hours before he came home, so I was always sober around him, but all of my physical symptoms came back almost immediately. Hand tremors, nausea, insomnia. Difficulty swallowing at the dinner table.
That’s why I haven’t been blogging. I can’t write when I drink. I’ve been able to work and fly back and forth, but containing it so that I can have a degree of professionalism at work takes all my strength. I can’t even read, which is, like, my only solace in life besides my parrot. All I can do it tweet stupid shit and schedule everything so that I’m not drunk around other people but also don’t go into withdrawal. What a life.
The Collector noticed and I didn’t (couldn’t) deny it. I’m going back to rehab. Probably for 30 days. Maybe longer.
I’m so tired of struggling with this. Rationally, I know that drinking distorts my thought process and makes me behave erratically. But I still do it, and when I’m in it, I can’t get out, especially when NOT doing it makes me violently ill.
On that note, it about 12 hours I expect to be ralphing foam (because there’s nothing in my GI tract) into a trash bin while a staff tech comes in to check my vitals.
Don’t let this happen to you, kids. Don’t drink. Don’t pick up. I’m so ashamed of myself.
Abe is safe with an Avian vet boarder. I made sure he will be okay.