Sucky Update

Well, guys, I just wanted to check in.  I don’t know what to tell you.  I had to have surgery, so I went off the Naltrexone.  It was a minor surgery and everything is fine…except that I relapsed.

Physically, medically, I can’t explain it. I’ve been MOSTLY sober for years, but when I started drinking, ALL of my physical symptoms came back.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging–I’m too sick, and my thought process is too unclear.  I can’t write. I have no focus.

A week ago, I took 4 days off to get through the DTs. I threw up in a bucket by my bed. On the third day, I started to hallucinate.  I’ve had mild auditory hallucinations before, as if I heard the sound of white noise or a radio coming in from next door, but these were REAL hallucinations. I saw things that were not there. I TALKED to them. I talked to ghost hallucinations in my bedroom.  And I knew, when I was doing it, that they could not be possible, but I saw them, and tried to touch them.

I had to go to work.  I thought the withdrawals would be done by them, but they weren’t, so I had to limp to the gas station at 4 AM and buy 3 of those little airline bottles of whiskey. I must have looked like hell.  My eyes were watering and I was shaking all over. The Indian (not Native American) clerk asked me if I was okay.

Now I know that I will probably need 6 days.  I know it’s going to hurt like hell, but I have to do it. All my bills are paid and I have money in the bank, so it should be okay.

I have fucked up so badly.  I can only sleep for three hours at a time. I lay in bed and cry, but I know that I brought it on myself.


17 thoughts on “Sucky Update”

  1. I think you are too hard on yourself. I wish you were not alone with this. I don’t know you, but as a fellow human I am thinking of you with love and wishing you well, hoping for some ease for you.

  2. You’ll get through this, everybody recovering from any kind of addiction has blips. Sending you some love to see you through x

  3. Oh, all hugs – as well as strength and self-compassion to help you go through it – in the world to you!
    Do you currently have any external support systems?

  4. Miss Margo,

    I hope you pull through this, I am rooting for you–you are one of my intellectual heroes, and probably my favorite blog on the Internet.

    I really should write you that fan letter…

    Julian

  5. Dear Miss Margo,

    I am so sad to hear of this latest setback. Alcoholism is a disease characterized by relapse.
    I got sober in 1981, just past my 27th birthday. Ninety days later I got drunk. Then I got sober again for two years. Then in November 1983, I got drunk again. I even missed a day of work, which I never, ever did. Hell, I didn’t even wake up until 11AM, and that was to throw up bile.

    Whatever else I did to myself with my chronic drunkenness, I believe that I damaged my body in such a way that the effects which alcohol has on me are very unpredictable. I have not had a drink since 1983, but I believe that if I did I would be right back to where I left off – blackouts, sometimes after four drinks sometimes after twenty, sick for days from a single night of drinking or maybe able to semi-function.

    One thing is clear and did not change because I got drunk again. I cannot drink alcohol.

    Please, be gentle with yourself. Your recovery is measured in more than days. It’s also measured in self-awareness, connections to other people, and reintegration into a community and society. On all these things, slow and steady wins the race. Treat yourself the way you would treat a dear friend who was sick. Stay close to your support group. Do things that delight and tantalize you. You will be feeling better soon. I promise.

    John

  6. Dear Miss Margo,

    By now, I hope the hardest part is over. I read your post some time ago and honestly didn’t know what to say beyond hang in there. But you will, you’ve proved it before.

    No way in the world I can relate to your experience. At some point alcohol just bores me. A few years ago, I partied for like a month. As in a bottle of vodka every night. After which I turned my attention to other things. Not to make you jeaulous. It’s to take out the sting, in case my writing upsets you.

    A few days ago this Berkely or Columbia professor posted a resume of his failures. Everybody loves it. There is just one caveat: it’s easy being successfull and look back upon the hardship with a smile on your face. Back then, you really didn’t know what the future had in store. The central message still stands: success is hard work. Of course. But it also how you define success.

    I’ve been reading your blog for some years now. Especially when it comes to your addiction, you always made it clear what your goal is. To me, as an outsider, it feels as if you’re getting there. Babysteps, yes. Of course there are bumps in the road. This time you had to go of your medicine for some kind of surgery. Bad things happened. Even as they did, you realized, you don’t want the past to repeat itself. Your body isn’t there yet – maybe it never will. Your mind however, has arrived long ago.

    One of your stories is about this ninja client. Bruce Lee is one of my heroes. More than anyone else, he epitomizes mind over matter. So does your client – I assume. A fighter, skilled in the martial arts, who nevertheless is wise enought to be true to himself and surrender to his submissive side. At times, Mr Naughty Ninja must be terribly confused. Even in bondage he frightens you. Think about his inner struggle and how his intimidating persona brings out a certain determination in you during that session.
    Bondage Bruce will scare the living daylight out of people for as long as he lives. His kink probably does the same thing to him. Not that anyone will ever notice. Mind over matter.

    Right now, you are in the eye of the storm, but already looking back from a vantage point somewhere down the road as it happens. All of which, because you have your eyes firmly on the future. That is a major achievement. Of course it sucks. And then some more. It will probably happen again. Sorry.

    But it really doesn’t matter. The why and how is in the past. Free will is overrated. Why do people prefer califlower over Brussel sprouts? Soit. We hardly ever get to choose our own company. Part of who you are, is your addicition. It will be by your side for a long time. And yes, it rears its ugly head, when you least want it to. But you know that already and you have prepared for it. Your body suffers, it’s inevitable. Meanwhile your mind looks at the road ahead. So don’t beat yourself up about what could have, would have, should have. I don’t believe its true and even if it were: so what?

    It’s not a relapse, but a difficult part on your road to recovery. The moment you checked out of the clinic and started popping pills only signals you’re ready for the next step. Painkillers in whatever form don’t equal cure. That would bankrupt capitalism, which – or so they told me – is bad. You’ve done the hard work. You are getting there. So be kind to yourself. You are part eclectic, so read up on the Stoics. After which, decide for yourself. Sorry, just couldn’t resist. Ha ha ha.

    The past is dead. Be gentle to yourself. Anything else is besides the point. It also is the best cure. You deserve it. I have no idea what you are going through, but others do. Take their advice and bestow a little kindness upon yourself. Won’t be easy, but you’ll be OK.

    I don’t do online friends, it’s stupid. But if you want an imaginary friend, you’ve got it.
    Even if things are a little harder than you expected, let us know how you are, when you feel like it.

    Finally
    Your blog is really something special. Not that it always makes for an easy read. Still, I believe you have a large audience. I’m surprised so few have taken the time to write a few lines in support. Come on!

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