Another Hostile Client

……annnnnddddd we have a new one!

It was so fucked up that I had to take a week off, and that’s why I haven’t been blogging.

Okay: exactly what am I to make of this?

Guy books a session, passes screening, and arrives at my hotel room.  He is well-dressed, well-groomed.  He is wearing a pinstripe suit and leather gloves.

I just met him, for the first time.  I offered him a refreshment from the minibar, which he accepted…

…after which, he physically charged up to me, majorly violating my personal space, and ripped his glove off in a very dramatic fashion…

….and his hand was malformed.  He had, well, I don’t want to compromise his privacy, but he had only a few digits, and not cuz they’d been amputated by some catastrophic injury.  I mean his hand was fundamentally malformed.  A rare, but not exceedingly rare malformation–everyone has seen this, yes…?  I am pretty sure he was born with this. 

“Is this okay with you?  Is this okay with you?” he asked, waving his hands in my face.

I am a mature, polite individual, and I do not judge clients by how they look (I only ask that they be clean).  I do not even judge potential BOYFRIENDS by how they look–I have fucked  “ugly” guys.  And I am a compassionate human who is not going to look askance at a person because his hands are deformed.

But the way that he did this, showing me his hands all at once, waving them literally inches from my face, was shocking.

He could have told me in the booking emails: hey, my hands are malformed because of this genetic disorder. (that’s all, he wouldn’t need to explain it or apologize for it in any way, just let me know)

He could have sat down on the bed or the computer chair when I offered him a refreshment and said: Hey you see these gloves…?  Well, my hands are not like what they look like in these gloves.  I just want to let you know.

He was confrontational and he did it to “shock” me and, I expect, to elicit revulsion/rejection. Or to test my cowardice, or to “test” something else.

I have plenty of my own psychological “issues.”  But I wonder what it must be like to go through life with this level of rage, alienation, and hostility.

This man was sick….and it had nothing to do with his hands.

I remained totally calm…and I reached up, and touched his hand, grabbing his finger, and lowering it.

This emotionally moved him.  He gasped and drew back.

“Your hands are fine with me.  Is it on your feet, too?”  I asked, because I know that it usually affects the digits of the feet, as well.

“Yes,” he gasped.

“Okay, no problem.  Would you like to start the session?”

I could see the thoughts and emotions, going round and round inside his head.  It was confusion and pain, mostly, but there was also a gratitude, or, at least, an awkward acknowledgement.

This job is high-stress and difficult and I do not believe it is sustainable (for me personally). But it has awarded me with incredible experiences and insight to the human condition.

Why did I have compassion for this man, who came in with such rage, determined to scare me…?

It was my compassion, and the fact that I was willing to touch his hand, that changed him.


9 thoughts on “Another Hostile Client”

  1. I enjoyed reading this, and I found the note about the emotional labour involved in being compassionate in the face of aggression particularly interesting; so often, it turns into a good person/bad person dichotomy, and the honestly with which you describe the event makes the post so much better.

    And keep an eye out. I could see someone ripping this off for clickbait. “This man was angry about his body image. What this SEX WORKER did will make you cry.” I’m only half joking.

    1. Thank you for this comment; it gives much food for thought.

      After the session (which was, otherwise, totally normal), I had very conflicting feelings about this guy.

      The fear, or revulsion, that people experience when they immediately see physical malformation is, I think, primordial.

      But you gotta be an adult about it, and if you aren’t an ASSHOLE garbage human, you get over being “startled” and proceed like normal.

      I am sure that this man (who, it turns out, was highly educated, and the rest of his body looked totally normal…his face was kinda handsome, nice hair) has gone through life watching people recoil from his hands. He probably never offers to shake hands. He was wearing leather 5-finger gloves, in the summertime. I am sure that kids were cruel. And if he has kids, they will probably get his disorder–it’s strongly hereditary.

      So I understand that he is bitter. I TOTALLY GET IT. And I have compassion.

      The aggression behind the way that he sprang it on me, taking off his glove and waving his hand literally two inches from my face, is harder to have compassion for. THAT is fucking sick. And it was disrespectful to my emotional well-being…and I don’t like it when clients disrespect me. Like I said, he could have gone “Hey, my hands are weird, I was born this way” first, and it would have been a total non-issue.

      I wasn’t Esmerelda giving Quasimodo a drink of water in this scenario. I was staring down a guy who was being an aggressive jerk, and also recognizing that his aggression (for once) came from a deep well of pain.

      Thanks for reading.

  2. Good for you, Miss Margo! I am impressed with your presence of mind in this situation. You certainly know how to keep your cool.

    I guess he was hostile and in-your-face about his disability because he can be that way with you. With anyone else– family, co-workers, friends– he has to hide his shame and rage about his disability. With a sex worker, he feels he has the freedom to express these. It is disrespectful of you as a person, but I guess he sees you as less than, and knows he can get away with it. Being that way with the people he lives or works with would have negative consequences. I bet he has to put on a happy face most of the time — even to talk about how his disability causes him pain would be taboo in most social settings, where keeping a positive attitude is the reigning ideology in our Oprah-fied world.

    They don’t pay you enough for the work you do.

    John

  3. Wondering if his behavior isn’t a way of getting what he expects — loathing or repulsion or revulsion or whatever — out of the way. He expects to be rejected so he sets it up and even the kindest soul will react because of the way he presents. The way you handled it was beautiful and kind, and I think you’re right that the aggression/anger comes from pain.

    1. I think that the rejection/revulsion, which he believes is inevitable, hurts less if he can control it, so that is why he initiates it. I also think he’s angry as hell. And who can blame him…? That’s a shitty hand to be dealt in life, bad pun most certainly intended. Our hands are so important, both as tools and in communication, that malformation is devastating.

      Thank you for your compliments 🙂 I think what really moved him was the fact that I was completely willing to touch his hand. And it IS a (kinda) normal hand…just that the fingers are fused (and I doubt he had a full set of metacarpals). He had a fingernail and everything.

      Thanks for reading

  4. What impresses me is that you knew what to do within milliseconds. You knew EXACTLY the right thing to do INSTANTLY. That’s amazing to me. I think I would have reacted differently, but might have known what I should have done in hindsight — even that is being generous to myself. But you knew right away.

    Wow, very cool.

  5. As always, I enjoy your writing. Thank you. Today’s post left me puzzled. After reading your comment, I understood a little better. Still, I find it hard to appreciate how difficult and intense that moment was.

    When I write, it is often about people who confuse desire for strength, dominance, character, leadership etc. Everybody can take, but to give, especially under adverse circumstances, tells a lot about who you are. You dealt with it in a way few ever will and you should be proud of yourself.

    I’ve often wondered how it feels when somebody walks through that door. They know you, you don’t know them. Sizing them up in an instant is hard. Making their wishes come true must be even more difficult, even in a world with just nice guys. It has to be exhausting. Maybe your client never met a nice person before, or perhaps you are too kind for your own good. Don’t change.

    We all have bad stuff going on in our lives, it’s part of the deal. Even if that weren’t true, there is no excuse for this guy’s behavior. So what if life is unfair? His misery shouldn’t be yours. He is dead wrong and he knows. We all know when we do bad things. Still, why? You acted pretty cool though. Kudos. Your story left me wondering about two things.

    1) Why?
    What if your client is confrontational on purpose? Perhaps in part because he fears rejection and this is how he prepares for it. That way he can tell himself, he isn’t rejected because of his hand, but rather of his “clumsy” approach towards women. I’m not trying to insult you, but that is not as far-fetched as it seems. Earlier on you write: “I do not even judge potential BOYFRIENDS by how they look–I have fucked “ugly” guys.”

    2) How?
    In an old post about some client and dirty towels, you suggested stealing them to cover up the “crime”. What if it was me? Hamper, plastic bag or hide the evidence in the corner and advise you to leave the “evidence” for housekeeping CSI. A gratuity for housekeeping is in order, but I can’t leave that on top. Couldn’t resist, sorry.

    Most dommes inquire about relevant medical issues, such as a heart condition. I never thought about malformation. Guess I’m not the only one. Obviously not true for your client though. Educate us. We men don’t understand hints. Spell it out! Some mistress do by so by drawing up a list, unfortunately it is not always makes sense. Especially when they expect you to study everything they ever wrote, including an interpretation of their Kindergarten drawings.

    Yes, most men know what soap is, but not all dommes require you to shower when you arrive. Confusing, isn’t it? I always shower before I leave the house and bring soap and deodorant – I prefer my own brand. One time she looked at my soap and said “I didn’t take you for the cheating kind.” So much for assumptions.

    Take care, as in mind, body and soul. And remember: two out of three is never enough. Cheers.

  6. I agree with you completely that he felt he had more control by controlling the interaction and trying to elicit rejection from you. I am amazed that you kept your cool with this person. Deformity or no – I wouldn’t react well towards someone invading my personal space in such an assertive and startling way.

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