Behold the sweet manna the prodomme goddesses in heaven have chosen to rain down upon me!
I was at the used furniture store the other day, shopping for a bedside lamp and a gift for my mother’s birthday, when, what did I see hanging on the wall but this!
An authentic sorority paddle from 1956, engraved with the logos and official seals of my undergraduate university!
I couldn’t believe it! It’s perfect! It’s everything I ever wanted in a wooden torture instrument! And it only cost me $20!
“It’s been hanging on the wall forever,” said the salesman, who seemed honestly confused by my delight and rapturous enthusiasm. “It came from an estate sale. We found it in a box of random junk.”
“It’s not junk!” I hissed, as if someone had just insulted a prized family heirloom.
He pulled back, startled. “Well, I’m glad you like it, Miss.”
I handed it to him, but before I released it into his hand, I said, “I’m going to keep shopping, but I want this paddle! Under no circumstances are you to sell it to anyone else! I’ll be done in 20 minutes. Hide it in a drawer, so nobody else can see it!”
He looked increasingly alarmed and promised me that he would keep it safe for me until I was done shopping.
I was so happy that I came straight home and took a zillion photos of the thing. Here are a few. Sorry, I can only show you one side of the paddle…the side with the sorority crests and the writing, “CHRISTMAS FORMAL ’56.” I can’t show the college seals for security reasons.
It’s so special that I almost don’t want to beat a boy with it.
BEHOLD MY PRIZE: