Crybaby Learns to Swim

     The funniest thing ever just happened!



      I heard a scurring, rustling noise.  At first, I thought it was my birds, playing and hopping around in their newspaper shreddings, as they are wont to do in the morning…



      …but as I listened more carefully, I realized that it was coming from my room!



       Had to be a mouse.  Had to be.  These little fuckers, I just can’t seem to get rid of them.  They go away and then they come back.  For the life of me, I cannot find where they are coming in.  I’ve put steel wool in ever baseboard crack and mousehole that I see!



      Anyway, I got up and tried to roust the little bastard.  I pulled the bed out from the wall to scare him out.



      The tiny little mouse exploded out from underneath my bed.  It was flying.  If I was a Martian and had never seen a mouse before, I would have thought it was gifted with flight somehow.  It was off the ground and moving so fast that it was a blur.



      It flew right into the radiator…which was on full blast, because it is still fucking freezing here in New York.



       It started screaming its little head off. 



       I started to laugh.  So hard.  You might think I’m an awful person, to laugh at the suffering of an animal, but really, this had to be seen to be believed.  It was like something out of a cartoon.  



      After a few seconds, the mouse darted away from beneath the radiator.  I was still hooting, so I didn’t chance it.  It went underneath my bedroom door and escaped.  It was ambulatory, and its fur was not smoking, so I guess it is okay.  He lives to fight another day.



      Also, I have decided that this seal is my new totem animal.  Remember when you were a kid and trying to get the courage to jump from a high height into the river…?



      Jump!  Jump!


4 thoughts on “Crybaby Learns to Swim”

  1. make it nine readers! I love your writing, your wit, and your truth! TY Don’t ever give up the good fight.

    1. AMEN! At first, I was compassionate towards mice and felt badly about killing them. I guess I still feel a little badly–I asphyx em ASAP if I find them in a trap. What else can I do? They chew furniture, terrorize the birds, and crap all over stuff. Sorry, mice, but that’s not cool.

      New York City living, man. I can’t figure out where these fucktards are coming in. My place is clean and I have scoured all the baseboards. Maybe it’s behind the oven. But they go away for weeks and then come back?

      hate em now. no mercy. I can’t even stand to look at gerbils at Petland Discounts, and I used to think they were adorable.

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