“But I believe, firmly, that if you deny your sexuality, it makes you neurotic and unhappy and it will destroy your personal relationships.”
YES! As a someone who was shamed for how she felt about sex by church, family, a strict Asian culture upbringing, and feminism, denying my sexuality and trying to attain something “healthy” and “respectable” has only adds to feeling even more fucked up crazy and miserable. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 30 and only had sex a few times since (my family has no idea, it would mess them up if they did), but I do like dirty, slutty, violent sex, and I’m goddamn tired of feeling guilty about it.
I’m goddamn tired of living in a world that judges people for their desires, and treating us like damaged goods or children who needs correction for how we feel. I’m also goddamn tired of people who can’t think outside their narrow-minded box. They can’t imagine enjoying being beaten or having sex for money, fine. But understand that people are different and not everyone sees or feels about sex the same way.
Seriously, that woman stranger who wrote that awful note to you is no different from the slutshaming church that told us, “sex is a sacred thing and should feel like a blessing from heaven, not some dirty slutty violent shit.” Don’t ever feel guilty about your sexuality, Margo, especially by paternalistic feminist assholes.
-A hopefully not-paternalistic feminist
I’ve had the privilege of receiving many thoughtful comments from my readers, but I have to say that this one is one of my favorites. It was a joy to read and I thank you for taking the time to express yourself to me.
I commend you for being true to yourself. It takes a lot of courage and the capacity for critical thought to deliberately reject the programming we receive from the various authorities in life. I went to Catholic school and my parents were very strict, so I know what that’s like (one of my personal favorites: when the nun teaching us sex ed in 8th grade argued that it was wrong to even THINK “impure” thoughts, because thinking leads to action).
Let me share something else with you: The ironic thing about guilt as a control mechanism is that the people who most deserve to feel guilty are oblivious to that feeling, and the (relatively) guiltless run around torturing themselves.
Sin is a hell of a concept, isn’t it…?
Next: Don’t tell your parents you lost your virginity (God I hate that barbaric phrase, it needs to be retired) if it’s going to stress them out, but hell, why deprive yourself…? There is no reason for any woman who is not bald and toothless to have a bad sex life! I know I’m one to talk, given that my sex life has been pretty crummy the last year, but I had ten years of shagging prior. I recommend Craigslist. There are a zillion men on there, and a lot of them are “the last people you’d expect.” If fantasty dirty, violent, slutty sex (and, perhaps, a get-to-know-you conversation over coffee in which you ask them to take their pic with your cell phone for security purposes) is what you want, then you can get it.
The “sex is a sacred thing,” oh Lord, what an eyeroll. I got that at Church, too. From priests who were sexually inexperienced, or who were fucking their housekeepers or sex workers or each other or who knows who? Sex is many things, but one thing it is is a simple biological function like eating. It can be a gourmet dinner or prison food. Wives do it like a chore all over the world.
I have to run now, but thanks so much for the comment! It means a lot to me, and I’m glad you enjoy the blog.
This one’s for you: Barbara Song, from an English interpretation of The Threepenny Opera. In this song, the singer, Polly, explains to her family why she eloped with Macheath, a brute. She was courted by other suitors and she never gave em the cookie because they did nothing for her sexually and she was trying to be a “good girl.”
Then Macheath showed up, and she couldn’t get her panties off fast enough.
Standing ovation, Polly.