Reader Mailbag: “I’m Obsessed with Sex Workers.”

“I must say I really identify with this man. I am also a creepy deranged loser and have an obsession with sex workers and can’t get enough of your blogs, twitter feeds and the like. I wonder why that is? I’ve had to fight the temptation to follow in his footsteps as I cannot afford to burn bridges and be blackballed by any of you. I want to act out my compulsions in a legitimate context, as in a paid encounter. But is that possible? How would you react if a client revealed that he hated/feared/envied/worshiped you and your kind?
I dream constantly about having some kind of final epic showdown where I finally come out of hiding and allow myself to appear before one of you and then attempt to destroy you emotionally, psychologically, morally and intellectually, only to the be destroyed myself. My defeat is guaranteed, no need for me to throw the fight and take a dive. Do you think I can satiate this need legitimately?”


     Oh wow.  

     Your comment kinda freaked me out, but then I looked you up and found that you were located on the other side of the world, so…

     The good news is that, in my opinion, it is totally normal to be fascinated with sex workers.  Heck, I’m fascinated with sex workers!

     I’m probably fascinated for different reasons than men are, though.  I could be wrong about this, but I think men are fascinated because sex work is a very potent fantasy of theirs: get paid to have unlimited sexual experiences with an endless variety of partners.  If straight men could do that, I think that many of them would…or at least, they would want to. 

      Another part of the fascination for straight men is that they are envious: there is a market for women’s sexuality, but practically no market for heterosexual male sexuality.  Almost all male sex workers service gay men.  Female sexuality is a commodity and, as such, is a source of power.  

     Dudes are also obsessed with sex.  You are.  Obsessed.  So I think that also accounts for part of the curiosity.  I think men also imagine sex work as being much more erotic or sexually gratifying for the woman than it actually is.  I am amazed at how many of my clients assume that I am as aroused as they are in a session, when I almost never get turned on at work–and I am, in fact, a very sexual woman, maybe even hypersexual.  When it’s good, I have a lot of fun at work, but I’m not aroused 95% of the time.  Dudes imagine it is just constant fun sexual stimulation for the woman.  Blows my mind.  I actually snapped at one guy who was being a little too insistent that I have an orgasm (self-administered): “Guy, I am a complicated emotional creature.  Did it ever occur to you that I might be unwilling or unable to achieve personal sexual gratification with a total stranger that I met 20 minutes ago?  Of course it didn’t.  You’re a dude.”  

     Sex workers are also outlaws.  It’s a huge industry, but it’s also underground.  It is natural to be curious about the subculture.  

     Men also want to control women’s sexuality as they have throughout history.  That is another aspect of your fascination.  The sex worker is engaging in sexuality, quasi-publicly, outside of a monogamous relationship with a man.  The sex worker is an unowned female. Patriarchy does not like this.  Which is really hypocritical, since if men weren’t buying, women couldn’t sell.  There is also a feminist line of thought that believes sex work is a huge symbol of male oppression and entitlement to sex and women’s bodies.  I can’t decide whether I endorse that line of thought or not…but they definitely have a point.  You’d think all men would love sex workers, prostitutes in particular, as it guarantees them sex whenever they like as long as they have a little money in their hand, but nooooooo.

     I admire sex workers, personally.  Of course any answer that I give about it will be self-serving, but whether they work out of choice or necessity, it takes a lot of courage to do sex work…any sort of sex work.  Society condemns it in the harshest possible terms and a lot of men–and women–hate sex workers.  Politicians try endlessly to control you.  Serial killers target you in order to punish you.  It just goes on and on. 

    I’ve had to fight the temptation to follow in his footsteps as I cannot afford to burn bridges and be blackballed by any of you.

      Please please please do not be a douchebag like my crazy internet stalker and plague some poor woman with constant unwanted attention.  Please.  I’ve been stalked a few times in my life, and even if it’s just over the internet, it still sucks.  

I want to act out my compulsions in a legitimate context, as in a paid encounter. But is that possible? How would you react if a client revealed that he hated/feared/envied/worshiped you and your kind?

     How would I react if a client revealed that to me…?  Well, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised.  I mean, he didn’t hire me by accident, right?  He found me because he deliberately sought me out.  He summoned me, I didn’t approach him.  That means that he’s given it a lot of thought.  He’s also spending a lot of money, and doing something that is socially forbidden and could endanger his private relationships and professional reputation.  Seeing me is a big risk.  A man would have to have very urgent needs to take that risk.  So, it’s safe to assume that most of my clients are already obsessed with sex workers and what we represent.  

    I think that what you need is a fetish worker, a femdomme, who is very eloquent and also a female supremacist.  A woman who finds the idea of a man dominating her or destroying her intellectually to be totally absurd.  Impossible, really.  If you were in New York, I’d recommend a few.  If you would like to be dominated online or via telephone, I’d recommend Princess Sierra at www.bitchybeauty.com.  I’ve been reading her blog off and on for a long time.  I could never do what she does because I have a totally different personality, but she is a beautiful, powerful woman…and she will destroy you if you let her.  She’ll do it for real, so be careful.  She’s also a lesbian and does not maintain friendships with men.  Go to her and tell her what you told me.  Be prepared to pay for it, though, because she doesn’t give any males any free attention.  

      If you want to do it in person, you’re going to have to find a suitable domme in your area.  Your fantasy sounds possible.  Just be sure that she knows what is going to happen going in, because otherwise, when you start getting aggressive with her, it’s going to be abusive on your part and that’s not cool.  

I dream constantly about having some kind of final epic showdown where I finally come out of hiding and allow myself to appear before one of you and then attempt to destroy you emotionally, psychologically, morally and intellectually, only to the be destroyed myself. My defeat is guaranteed, no need for me to throw the fight and take a dive. Do you think I can satiate this need legitimately?

       Oh boy.  I’m going to show this one to my therapist.  What a Freudian field day.  

      Don’t worry.  I think this sort of fantasy is totally normal.  I have a variation of it myself.  If anything, you’re the healthier person because you’re trying to act it out in a paid encounter with a professional, whereas I live it in relationships with sadistic scumbags.  Do it your way, not mine.

      I’m going to outsource this one.  Readers: what do you think of this guy?  Any advice on how he can get his fantasy done?  Any thoughts or critique on my analysis about why some men are fascinated by sex workers?  

      Thanks for reading.  Please don’t stalk.


2 thoughts on “Reader Mailbag: “I’m Obsessed with Sex Workers.””

  1. “Female sexuality is a commodity and, as such, is a source of power.”

    With respect, being a commodity is not a source of power, it’s a source of alienation. I’ll grant you that it can seem to be a source of power if market forces are in your favour which is probably the case for sex workers who specialize in kink.

    “Readers: what do you think of this guy?”

    What do you want, the book or the short answer?

    The short answer is that he is like most men completely fucked-up by the social constructs called ‘male sexuality’ and ‘masculinity’ that he introjected at a very early age. Just another confused schizoid, divided self, and emotional amputee. A studio is like a hospital where temporary sticking plasters are applied to the walking wounded with bleeding psyches.

    That doesn’t necessarily make them nice people by the way. but that’s another story and another book.

    1. ….aaaaand we have our first answer!

      As usual, Mr. Beckett does not mince words. I think I am going to appropriate the startling term “emotional amputee.”

      “A studio is like a hospital where temporary sticking plasters are applied to the walking wounded with bleeding psyches.

      That doesn’t necessarily make them nice people by the way. but that’s another story and another book.”

      I must concur…but we all have needs.

      Please pass the Band-Aids.

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