Return of the Vermin: Dying Mouse

    I saw a mouse out of the corner of my eye the other night, so I put down new traps: poison.  Poison bait.

    This morning, I found a tiny mouse writhing on my hardwood floor.  Its body is no bigger than a quarter.  Maybe even a nickle. 

     I don’t want to smash it.  I emptied my hospital fish tank and cleaned it and put the little mouse in there.  It’s still alive, but not ambulatory.  The pathetic occasional squeak evokes compassion within me.

     Fuck me!  What did I do to it…?  This poison is bad!  I thought it would kill right away!

     I shall cut it a bargain: if it lives, I will name it and keep it for a pet.  A pampered housepet mouse.  I’ll buy it a running wheel and take it to the exotic vet for a checkup and all that shit.  It will have a good mouse life.

     P.S. How am I going to get rid of the vermin?  They go away, but then they pop up.  I keep a clean house–not hospital-sterile like my mother, but pretty clean.  I change the birds’ paper twice a day and do a deep cleaning of their cages twice a week.  

4 thoughts on “Return of the Vermin: Dying Mouse”

  1. I keep fantail pigeons and have a real problem with mice that are attracted to the pigeon food.

    There’s a practical solution to your problem – a humane mousetrap. This is a domed wire cage about 9″ long with two compartments. In the end compartment you place your bait. Access to the baited compartment is via a one-way see-saw device. Mouse gets in? Mouse can’t get out because the see-saw is weighted to swing out of reach.

    I can’t believe that it’s impossible to buy one in a big city like NY.

    Once you have your mouse (there are bigger ones for rats) you have two options.

    1. Take a trip into the country and release the mouse.


    2. Take a trip to Central Park and ditto.

    Either way the mouse gets to take its chances with natural selection and your conscience is squeaky-clean.

    If the problem is rats, you could do the same thing, lure the Surgeon to your apartment, and then re-enact the famous scene from ‘1984’ with him in the Winston Smith role.

    That might take him down a peg or two.

  2. Hello Mr. Beckett,

    I composed an elegant and comprehensive reply to your comment, but then my router failed and Blogspot ate it.

    I intend to reproduce it later, but first I have a date with an overhead projector and 28 teenage scholars.

    The mouse did not survive the night. I fed it water with a dropper at 1 AM last night and it drank eagerly. I thought he would pull through.

    I won’t use poison anymore. He suffered for almost a full day. That’s not right. Even the glue traps are more humane. Last time I caught a mouse in a glue trap, I dispatched it straight.

    I love pigeons and wrote a post about them:

    The Surgeon is indifferent to insects and has killed a spider in my bathtub on more than one occasion, but he loathes mice. I guess in med school they made him do stuff to them, and they bit. I do not blame them. If I was a lab rat, I’d bite too.

    But now: the relationship of Enlightenment philosophy and the Declaration of Independence, Constitution, and Bill of Rights!

  3. Dear Miss Margo,

    The only way to get rid of mice is to prevent them from entering your apartment. I had them when I lived in Manhattan. I closed every opening in the walls with steel wool. They come in around the water and radiator pipes. Bathroom, kitchen radiators. Anywhere there is an opening, however small.

    I think that it has nothing to do with how clean your place is. They come in looking for food and once one comes in others follow because they leave a scent.

    I killed over a dozen with spring traps and peanut butter. I felt bad about it, but I couldn’t share my space with them.


    1. Hi John!

      Yup. I just plain can’t deal with mice in my place. They poop everywhere and I have to assume they urinate everywhere, too. I have no idea where they’ve been…hanta virus…you name it!

      And it’s even worse that they frighten my birds!

      I have the day off tomorrow. I intend to move the furniture out from the walls and scour the place. I’ll steel wool all crevices. What a pain in the ass…but I’m tired of dealing with them.

      Welcome to the Big Apple. My family back home can’t believe the barbaric conditions in which I live. My little brother has a 2-bedroom home, with a YARD!!! and a TREE!!! for LESS THAN HALF of what I pay in rent per month.

      I’m also going to review my lease…maybe my landlord is responsible for controlling the vermin. He’s a total dick and I’ve never forgiven him for shaking me down last summer, but I will concede that he is good about repairs and whatnot.

      I wish I had a house slave to clean. I think they are unicorn slaves, though.


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