Return of the Vermin

     Two things: 1) I finally got the courage to smash a big cockroach, and 2) THE MICE ARE BACK!

     Okay, good news first: I was in the locker room at the Superstudio the other day–I think it was the day C. gave me my new metal bra, in fact–when a huge revolting cockroach came out of thin and and started running to and fro!

      This was one disgusting cockroach!  HUGE!  Its body was about the size of a silver dollar.  It was awful!  And it was running around so fast!

       Everyone started screaming.  Pandemonium ensued.  The freakin roach ran underneath the couch, so we moved the couch away from the wall, but it was nowhere to be found.  

       Afterward, nobody could relax.  I couldn’t feel comfortable resting my feet on the ground because I was wearing flip-flops and was concerned that the huge monster cockroach would emerge from wherever it was hiding and crawl over my feet.  

      I tried to continue answering my emails on my laptop, but I just couldn’t concentrate on my work.  My eyes kept darting towards the floor.  Anticipating the return of the mutant roach.  

     It took almost two hours…but sure enough, the SOB came back to terrorize us.

     Of course, it had to happen when C was in session, because C. would have stomped that little mofo in a heartbeat.  As it was, the only people in back were a bunch of insect wussies, myself included. 

     Monster roach came out around Betsy’s locker and she yelled and retreated over by the bathroom, and two or three other women went to look at it and they started screaming, too, and…

     ….something happened inside of me.

      I don’t really know what it was.  I just thought to myself, Enough is enough!  I am sick and tired of being harassed by this stupid fucking bug!

       I put my laptop down, strode out to the supply closet, fetched and broom, came back, and smashed the shit out of that roach! 

      I’m serious.  I was still scared, so I overcompensated.  I smashed him so hard that little bits and pieces of him went flying everywhere.  I also broke the handle of the broom.  Miss Margo, warrior princess.  

      “THERE!” I said.  “HA!”

       It was then, of course, that C. came back.

      “What’s everyone so upset about?  Hey, is that a roach?”

      “It’s a big water bug,” said Kat.

      “NO, it’s a damn roach, enough with the euphemisms, all right?  Stay right there!”

       C. went and got a little cardboard box from her locker–it looked like a box you’d get if you bought earrings at a department store.  

        She donned latex gloves and picked up the roach’s broken body in a piece of tissue paper.  She put it in the cardboard box.  She had a big smile on her face and giggled once or twice.  

      I eyed her, uneasy: “You’re not going to use that roach against me, are you?  For a prank?”

       She looked up at me: “I wouldn’t waste this roach on you, Red.  You did quite a number on him, too.  What did you think–he was going to jump on you and do a little roach kung-fu?  Kill you or something?” 

       So: someone in the world is going to get a roach.  Check your sandwiches, boys and girls. 

    


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