Remember the expensive electric mousetrap I recently purchased…?
Well, turns out that it works after all! I moved it to a new location and it’s caught a mouse every night for the last three nights. No blood or gore, either. When I open the trap to throw the bodies away, the little victim just looks like it’s taking a snooze.
When I turn it on, it makes a very ominous humming noise for a few seconds while it powers up. This has made me wonder whether the mice are being dispatched painlessly. I had no way of knowing, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s less painful than being stuck to a glue board and bashed with a skillet by yours truly.
Anyway, I had one of my 4 AM early-bird wakeups this morning. When I knew that I couldn’t fall back asleep, I decided to read my Kindle in bed (Consider the Lobster by David Foster Wallace. Overrated, but I must admit that his sendup of the Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas is very funny).
Then I heard it: the humming, crackling sound of electricity. It was unmistakable.
Then: the pathetic squeak of a mouse (why did God give them such strange, tiny, heart-rending voices? To what end? Do they have little mousy conversations with each other? They sound so wretched and forlorn.).
The sound of electricity took on a sizzling aspect. It lasted quite a while. It had to last at least ten seconds.
I’d like to believe that the mouse lost consciousness instantaneously. Having read Blood and Volts: Edison, Tesla, & the Electric Chair, however, I am skeptical.
Blood and Volts is a very odd little book…a mix of true crime, history, and social theory. It’s about the development and early use of the electric chair in American jurisprudence. It is chock-full of interesting trivia and descriptions of terrible violence. I learned a lot from reading it…like what electricity is, and what an immoral asshole Thomas Edison was, and why the electric chair was a very bad idea.
The first couple dozen people executed via the Chair were basically cooked alive. It was very gruesome. If I was in their position, I’d beg to be dispatched via hanging or a firing squad. Even being drowned in a bucket would be preferable.
Nikola Tesla was truly brilliant. I enjoyed reading and learning about him. He might even get Imaginary Boyfriend status. I wish I could tour his workshop. I wish I could take him out to dinner. Actually, forget dinner–I’d like to buy him a thicker skin and a little common sense. Maybe he could have avoided getting so screwed. And then we would all be enjoying free electricity today!
One last thing: The other night, I stopped by 7-11 to buy Diet Pepsi. I was standing in line by the hot-food display and found myself reading–really reading–the ad for pepperoni pizza (I’ve probably eaten this pizza 3 or 4 times).
It’s not pepperoni pizza. It looks like pepperoni pizza, but it’s not.
It’s meat pizza. MEAT pizza.
I almost hurled right there in the cashier’s line. I still can’t think of it without gagging. I mean, I know pepperoni is not the most wholesome food on earth…but “meat?” Meat from what?