April Fool

     Tonight’s the night!  I have a date with C’s ex-boyfriend Alec!  April Fool, you heartbreaking jerk!  

      Lest you be inclined to pity him, gentle reader, I’ll have you know that I’ve been corresponding with him for a few weeks now, and my honest assessment of his personality is that IT SUCKS.  

       Allow me to provide an example of his asshattery:  on his internet dating profile, he specifically states that he does not want to be contacted by women “who have to cross the Hudson to get to the city.”   No Jersey girls!  Sorry, ladies! 

        “Bridge-and-Tunnel” snobbery is obnoxious and unattractive in anyone, but here’s the kicker: Alec’s not even a New Yorker!  He’s from a hick state that is even more backwards and uncivilized than mine!  He’s from South Carolina!  

         “His dating profile is awful!” I said, as I read it out loud in the locker room.  “What did you see in this guy, C?”

         “He seemed nice at first,” she said.

           They always do. 

         I have been plotting what I am going to do to him on this date.  It’s going to be a one-shot deal–C. really wants me to go out with him a few times and then humiliate him over his penis, but I just don’t have that in me.  

          A date, though, I can do. 

          Right now, I am debating whether to play nicey-nice through dinner (before I excuse myself to use the restroom and never come back), or if I should torture him a little in the course of the conversation.  

           You know…drop a few backhanded compliments and subtle, mind-fucking insults.  

          I was going to intimidate him with some intellectual pyrotechnics…make him feel dumb and inadequate (men hate to feel outsmarted by a woman, especially if she’s younger than him).  But honestly…this man seems so egotistical that I don’t think he’d “get it” that he was being shown up.  Have you ever seen someone being insulted at a party, and the person didn’t even realize that they were being mocked, even though it was obvious to everyone standing around?  I think it would be like that. 

         How egotistical is he..?  Here’s a hint: a 43-year-old man with even a smidgen of humility would ask himself, “Why am I being approached and flirted with by all of these very pretty, much younger women who are eager to go out with me?”

          I have talked with enough men about their online dating adventures to know that they are not being repeatedly approached by young hotties.  

          And Alec is only modestly good-looking, does not have a rock star job or fame, and is not Scrooge McDuck rich. There is nothing about this man to suggest that he should effortlessly attract all this female attention. 

        But he’s so full of himself, he doesn’t realize he’s being set up.  Over and over again. 

        Even the Surgeon wouldn’t fall for that, and he’s the most egotistical man I’ve ever met in my life. 

        Anyway….back to my plans.  Intellectual intimidation won’t work, he won’t understand it.  

        Hmmm….C says that he always brags about attending The Citadel in South Carolina (he’s name-dropped the place in our emails more than once…lame!).  Seems like his masculinity is tied up in it…

       I need to think of a way to insinuate that military academies are gay!  haahahahahahaha

       Maybe I could bring it up as a political issue.  Like, “Do you attend when the military policy was ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’?  So were all of the faculty still in the closet?  What about all that dangerous gay hazing I’ve heard about?”


        (FYI, I don’t think that military academies are gay.  I don’t think anything about military academies.  And I don’t think that it’s bad to be gay.  But I am sure Alec will be jarred by it.)

        And on yeah–I picked out the restaurant.  It’s a busy trendoid place in SoHo.  I picked it because the crowd is pretty young, which will make him feel like an old dork, and also because of the furniture.  The chairs and tables are stupid modernist design, with hard unyielding arm rests.  

        Alec is a big guy–he’s 6’3″–and he’s a bit of a fatass, too.  He is not going to be able to fit comfortably in the chair.  It will be entertaining to see him shift around while trying not to call attention  to that fact.  

         I’ll let you know how it goes.