Just when I think I’ve seen it all…
I had a very bizarre session request at the Studio the other day. Truly bizarre. Without a doubt, it is a contender for Weirdest Session Request of All Time.
A man (who, incidentally, seemed intelligent and friendly and not obviously mentally ill) told me that he wanted to be stripped, covered in ants, and locked in a cage.
He told me this in the consultation room. I literally did not know what to say to that. I was speechless. For a few seconds I just sat there, blinking in confusion, like a mole thrust suddenly into sunshine.
“Wow,” I eventually managed.
“I’m really looking forward to it!” he said.
“Uhhh….this is going to present certain logistical challenges, but I’ll see what I can do,” I said. I mean, what else could I say? “Um…where are we going to get the ants?”
He reached over and opened his briefcase. He took out a padded envelope. Inside of the envelope were three plastic beaker-shaped containers filled with live ants.
“You can buy them online! Kids get them for ant farms and science fair projects and stuff!”
Oh, my 8 readers are going to love hearing about this one, I thought to myself. I was amazed. Truly amazed.
I asked him if he could come back in an hour, after I’d had the time to consider how I was going to execute this thing.
For what it’s worth, I was going to give it the old college try. I sat down in back with a yellow legal pad and put my mind to work. I got on the computer to see if the guy could die if he was stung by ants and had an ant allergy (some people are allergic to bee stings…I was wondering if there was a similar allergy to ant stings).
In the end, though, I decided that I had to pass. The deal-breaker was that I couldn’t figure out a way to contain the ants. It is problematical to deliberately introduce vermin to the Studio. If the ants got free and escaped, they’d eventually die, sure…but who knows when? Insects can live a long time without food and water. What is the staff supposed to say when a client looks at the wall and sees a big black ant climbing towards the ceiling? Gross!
I thought I’d go down to the $.99 store and buy a few plastic tarp dropcloths to put on the floor underneath the cage. Then get some ant spray and spray it on the ground in a big circle around the cage…
….but even that wouldn’t do, because clients spend a lot of time on the floor. Even if I mopped up the ant spray after the session, what if I didn’t get it all, and some dude got some on his hand, and then rubbed his eye with his hand? Or put it in his mouth?
Ultimately, I just couldn’t make it work.
“Do you think we could maybe do this at your house? Or your hotel room? I could bring a collapsing dog crate for the cage….” I offered when he came back.
Alas, he was visiting from out of town.
The session was not to be…at least, not with me.
I don’t think any prodommes read this blog on a regular basis, but if you do, and you do this guy’s session with him, would you please drop me a line and let me know? I’m DYING to hear how this one plays out!
P.S. Want to hear some of the other top contenders for Weirdest Session Request of All Time? OF COURSE YOU DO!!!
In no particular order:
Tooth extraction. A man wanted me to pull out one of his teeth. This client is a notorious dungeon barnacle (“dungeon barnacle” is a term I coined for those obsessive clients who are constantly–constantly!–making the rounds through every commercial dungeon in town). Every mistress in town has met this guy. Rumor has it that he is a dentist who lost his medical licence, but I cannot confirm this. I can tell you that he knows a hell of a lot about teeth and he will talk your ear off about it if you let him. (I passed on his session, btw. Besides being gross, it sounds like a great way to get arrested for practicing dentistry without a license. Oh yeah, The New York Post would have a good time with that one.)
Punching a man in his face in front of all the other women. He specifically wanted his nose broken. I punched him once, but I am a weak little creature without any punching training, so his nose did not break. Yeah, epic failure, I felt like a loser! Then it occurred to me that if I did break his nose, blood would get all over the place and the Surgeon would definitely not approve of that (he made me get tested for Hepatitis when we started having sex), so I bailed out. Another girl did the deed. I don’t know if his nose actually broke, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.
I’ll add others later if any come to me…before I forget, one more quick update…
Remember Joey, from my blog post “Tales from the Biz?” The blackmail fetish guy who gave me all of his personal information and tax returns and bank statements? I’d go through his wallet and take photos of his cards and ID?
Remember how I said that I was concerned he’d play his strange little game with the wrong Mistress–someone who wouldn’t feel obligated to protect him from himself?
Well, it came to pass.
Sure enough, Joey eventually got tired of me–he got too familiar, so he wasn’t as scared of me anymore. So, he started seeing someone new.
“Hey–whatever happened to Joey? I haven’t heard anything about him in a long time. Is he still coming around?” I asked her.
She started to laugh. “He can’t afford to. I maxxed out two of his credit cards and he got in trouble with his wife.”
“You did?! You really did it? How much did you get? Did he call the cops?”
“Of course not! What’s he going to say? Officer, I gave my dominatrix all of my credit card information and she used it to buy stuff?”
“Yeah, but it is still sort of illegal. What did you get? God damn, I am way too nice for this business.”
This mistress runs a small boutique cat and kitten rescue out in Brooklyn. She charged, like, $800 in cat food to Joey’s card and then something like $2000 in prepaid Visas that she used to pay vet bills, and then she went to Bergdorf Goodman and bought some expensive handbags.
“That’s a real Fendi!” she said, gesturing at her purse. “No Canal Street knockoff shit here!”
Well, while I don’t really regret not ripping him off–I just couldn’t bring myself to do it–I still don’t know what to make of this. I mean, I guess he brought it on himself. Joey would bring me anything–anything, the keys to the castle! He’s lucky nobody sold his information to Russian identity thieves!
Picturing his wife finding $800 in cat food on his banking statements is pretty funny, though. “Joey? $800 of Science Diet Kitten Formula? But we don’t have any cats!”
And then I’m picturing the mistress, lounging on her sofa in her apartment, surrounded by kittens and Fendi bags.
Cracks me up.
Just when I think I’ve seen it all…