The pain of the good memories hurts most of all. Why did you have to be so compassionate and tender, and do shit like bring me flowers? I took pictures of all the flowers you bought me. I showed them to my girlfriends.
You held my birds.
When I was going to get a haircut, I asked you whether you’d like me with that style. I did that because I always ask the man in my life for his opinion before I alter my appearance in any meaningful way.
I took down my online dating profiles. I turned down dates. My friend at the Studio, C., passed me the business card of a kinky ad man she said would be a good match for me. I threw out the card.
I wanted to do right by you. I was so, so careful. Every decision I made was deliberate. Nothing manipulative. No false steps. I wanted you to know, at the bottom of your heart, that you could trust me with everything, and that I was exactly who I said that I was.
I would drift off on the train or at work. Fantasizing about you. I would fantasize about being your girlfriend. I would fantasize about making you breakfast and packing you a lunch for work. The hope that I felt was excruciating. It was terrifying. But it felt so good. I was so scared, but I wanted it.
You told me about your children, your best friend, people at work. I would think to myself about how I was going to do my best to make a good impression on them when I met them.
I showed your photos to my family when I went home for Christmas.
I would fantasize about how I was going to support you. You made it seem like your ex-wife took advantage of your dutiful personality and then rejected you. I was going to show you what it was like to be accepted and appreciated. I was going to make you feel like a hero. I was going to show you how proud I was of you.
I was going to bat for Team Math. And I was going to play hard.
We were going to be a team, I thought. With a man like you in my corner, I felt like I could accomplish anything in life. All the advice you gave me. All the support about teaching.
When you bought me an apple and said that you were proud of me, it provoked within me a primal longing that I could not contain.
When is the last time a man said that he was proud of me, for anything at all? When is the last time a man saw me for the person I was, and not just for what I could do for him?
Why are men so fucking selfish, Mathematician? Can you tell me why men are so entitled, Doctor? You have a Ph.D., you must have a few thoughts on the subject. Elaborate on the ideas you have in your excellent mind.
You brought over your cockatoo so that we could have a bird playdate and I could help you groom him. Your cockatoo really loved me. Next, you said, I’d meet your dog.
Next, I hoped, I’d meet your children.
When you confirmed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I was going to suggest that we go to the doctor and get tested. Then I would get back on birth control and we could have sex without condoms.
When you put your cock into me, it felt so good that I’d actually go limp for a few seconds before I started moving. Like you had injected me with a narcotic. I guess in a way, you were.
I would have given you anything sexually. Anything. I was planning on it. To say that I was going to expand your horizons is an understatement. Because with me, there are no limits. When I love a man, nothing is forbidden. Sex is one way that I express love, and I never tire of it. I do it all. I do it well. And I will never tell you no.
There is no experience on earth like the feeling of being desired by Margo Adler. My desire is a force of nature. Why do you think that the Surgeon was so obsessed with me for so long?
I’d like to sic the Surgeon on you now, Mathematician. I really would. He would annihilate you. He would drop by your office after work.
The only reason I don’t do it is that I know that after he was done killing you, he’d come to my apartment and kill me next. I know how he’d do it, too.
Death might be an improvement in my state of mind and emotional well-being, however. Because I feel pretty fucking awful, Mathematician. You made me cry a lot, and I don’t think that it’s over by a longshot.
But what, where was I…? Sorry. I was being morbid and got distracted.
Remember when you told me back in November–you were laying on my bed, in my home, “Please don’t think of me as a client?” Exactly what the hell was going on in your mind, Dr. Responsibility?
You didn’t have to do this, you know. You could have been a friend and a good client. If it’s business, I really don’t care if you’re married. I would have seen you on an ongoing basis until I got a real boyfriend and had to knock this professional BDSM shit off.
But nooooo, you had to have your stupid, selfish fantasy. Because that’s what this was all about for you, wasn’t it? You were having fun pretending that we were developing something real. It made your boring, sexless life more interesting, didn’t it? The constant text messages, emails. Contacting me before class to wish me good luck. Talking to me about books. Updates on the score of your squash matches. Telling me what you were going to do to me the next time you saw me.
I was so impressed by how well-trained your dog is. It takes a lot of discipline and patience to train a dog like that. I really admired it. I admired everything about you.
I wanted to belong to you, like your dog. I would have taught you how to be my master. You could have owned me.
I used to fantasize about our future, and all the ways that I would make you happy.
And you let me do it.
You ought to hear all of this, because you deserve to know the consequences of your actions and the extent of my pain (and by the way, #1 Dad, how would you like it if someone treated your teenaged daughter this way?). You deserve to know so that you never do this to another woman ever again.
But I’m not going to tell you, because after Thursday night, you get NOTHING from me.
I come from a death penalty state. It’s a hard, hard fucking state and I grew up in a tough fucking town. My father supported the death penalty, and he was a cruel, pitiless man. You tried to lay a hand on him and he’d rip your goddamned arm off. If he was here, I know exactly what he’d say.
You’re not going to hear from me, Mathematician, because after Thursday night, I am the judge, jury, and executioner–and I am administering the proverbial lethal needle that you, and our relationship, so richly deserve.
|The Valentine that I bought for you that you WON’T be getting|