This relationship shit is kind of hard.
I had (have?) a relationship with the Surgeon, but that was more like a years-long torrid affair with someone completely inappropriate. He also happened to be psycho. We were drawn together on the basis of our mutual characterological flaws…there was a lot going on.
To be fair, the sex was spectacular. It was so good that it was a bad idea. I’ve never been attracted to a man like I was to the Surgeon. I would have done anything he wanted. I did anything he wanted. And it went the other way, too. He starved me emotionally in every way, but he was a very generous lover with me. Which is interesting, considering the hostility he had for women. For everyone.
I don’t think that the Mathematician hates anyone.
He’s not my boyfriend yet–or at least I don’t think he is–we haven’t had the DTR (Defining the Relationship talk).
I know that I want him, though.
I haven’t wanted a relationship with a man in a long, long time. Years! Years and years! Honestly…? Six years! Why the hell do you think I was with the Surgeon…? It was a not-relationship! He was perfect for a masochistic commitment-phobe! A part-time quasi-boyfriend! An absentee landlord. My master.
This Mathematician–he’s a good choice. Do you see it? He has everything I want, except that he’s not an abusive, sadistic douchebag. He’s a nice normal man. He’s emotionally complex and I’ve caught glimpses of a few neuroses, but he’s a good person and he’s…he’s loving. He’s loving and he’s responsible.
And he sees me. He doesn’t just use me. I’m not like a prop with him. When I say something, he pays attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth. He respects me.
Please, God, don’t let me fuck this up. Men like this don’t just fall out of the sky.
Why did his ex-wife throw out this man? What the heck was she thinking? Boy did she ever blow it.
This is what I keep telling myself: be open and emotionally vulnerable and don’t lie don’t lie don’t lie don’t lie don’t lie don’t lie
He doesn’t know that I’m in AA yet and I don’t have to tell him because it’s not necessarily the right time, but if/when it comes up, or if/when he asks about drinking, I must not lie about it!
Same thing for the Surgeon! Cause I haven’t told the Surgeon what’s going on! I’m worried that the Surgeon is going to cut my head off! But if the Mathematician asks about it, I can’t lie or minimize!
Or my father! Or school! Or the stuff that makes me scared! Or even my sexuality. NO LYING!
He has to be able to trust me if the relationship is going to go anywhere…if it is going to develop and flourish. It’s okay to omit certain stuff depending on the level of intimacy and knowledge in a relationship, but if he wants to know something topically relevant, I have no be honest no matter what. And if he rejects me that is his prerogative, but I owe it to him–and to us–to be honest and do this in good faith.
Does that make sense? Does that make sense?
There has to be a good foundation.
Especially given where he met me. He needs to see me be totally consistent in the application of my moral principles. No matter how tolerant, how understanding, how mature he is or thinks that he is being…at some later date, he is going to have to come to terms with the fact that he met me at an infamous dungeon where I worked as a dominatrix and a professional masochist. Men came in off the street, or wherever the hell they came from, and I went into a room with them and did things to them that the Mathematician can’t even imagine. Bad, good, in between. That’s a fact.
Even the most liberal, not-jealous guy is going to wonder about that, and have to come to terms with it.
That’s another reason why the Mathematician has to know–and feel–that he can depend on me, and that I have always been transparent with him, and that I have always done what I said I will do. When I said that I did not have sex with clients, I meant it. When I said that I had boundaries, I enforced them. When I said that I didn’t consider him to be a client, I didn’t, and that’s why I stopped taking his money.
He has to trust me. Otherwise, there can be no love.
Bomb-proof. People fuck up in relationship and God knows I’m not perfect or a perfect partner and maybe he will decide I’m not the girl for him, but he has to have bomb-proof trust in my honesty and earnestness. In my honor.
no lying no hiding no shady bullshit no lying even if it’s The Awful Truth
This relationship shit is kind of hard.