I had a bad night last night. I woke up at 4 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. Worried.
An anonymous reader left this comment on my “Margo Freaks Herself Out II” blog entry:
Thé moment you think it might be serious with the mathematician, you have to dump the surgeon. The very moment. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed. This happened a few times in the past. The experiment ran its course. If you do not, in a few months, the mathematician will be out of your life. The surgeon will still be there. I used to like the later. After what he did to you, I think he is a cinder block for your progress.
Whoever this person is, I think they are absolutely right.
I’ve been putting off the Surgeon as much as possible since before Christmas because I’ve felt sleazy and conflicted. I’ve been a coward about it, I admit it. Readers of the blog will know that he’s not an easy man to say no to, or to discourage. It’s easier to just give him what he wants.
I can’t keep avoiding him any more. He has some boundaries issues and he does whatever he wants. If he comes over to my apartment when the Mathematician is here, it’ll all be over. The Surgeon is not going to say something like “I can’t believe you did this to me!” and leave. Something ugly will happen. The Surgeon has absolutely zero problem with confrontation and when he really gets combative…let’s just say that you will never forget it. He’s never turned it on me full blast, but I’ve seen him do it to others, and it’s a shocking experience. I do not exaggerate. Shocking.
The Mathematician is not going to put up with that. He wouldn’t fight with the Surgeon or anything, but he would leave, and he wouldn’t be back. Because this is something I understand very well about men: they will put up with a lot of drama and bullshit from a woman in a relationship…but they will only do that after they’ve made the commitment. Once he’s in for the long haul, you can burn his house down and turn your head around like that little girl in the Exorcist. If you hurt his feelings or spook him with some crazy-girl bullshit early on, however, he’ll shut down emotionally and then he’ll leave. Men are much more inclined to protect themselves that way than women are.
The Mathematician would be gone, and I would be right back where I started…even worse, because the Surgeon would stay mad at me for a long time. To say that little Margo would be in the doghouse would be an understatement. I’d take the doghouse over being in the same room with Dr. Punishing Ragaholic any day.
He wouldn’t dump me, you know. This is something I now know about the Surgeon: he will never, ever leave me. A notorious womanizer, he has made a sport out of dumping women in hurtful fashion. I am, as far as I know, the lone exception. Lucky me! It’s sort of like winning the lottery in hell. The Surgeon always brags about it, as if he were paying me a compliment. I guess in his mind, it is.
He won’t leave me. I am the one who is going to have to end it.
And I gotta do it before this thing blows up on me. I’m sitting on an IED.
The thought of it, though…God it makes me exhausted just thinking of it.
It has to be done. Has to be done.
And it has to be done differently this time, because I don’t want three months of harassment and emotional turmoil again either. I do not delude myself that I can take care of this in, say, a single phone call…but maybe I can do it in a few.
I talked to my analyst about this yesterday. We put some serious thought into it. The Surgeon should reimburse me for the session fee, because all we did was analyze him.
“You have to ruin his attraction to you. Make it seem that the breakup was to his advantage, and that he remained in control and didn’t lose face. When you left him last time, you took his control away, and that’s what made him feel so angry and threatened.”
planning planning planning