Conflicting Feelings

   Wow, conflicting feelings right now!

    I’m sitting in the locker room at the Studio.  The Mathematician has been texting back and forth with me all morning.  But last night,  I told him that I missed him and I didn’t hear back from him.

     He was probably asleep, but it made me feel anxious, which is just plain crazy.  What?  You don’t miss me?  WHY DON’T YOU MISS ME?

      When I’m with him, everything is okay.  I get so worried when I’m alone, though.  I get paranoid and think that I’m all wrong about everything. I just can’t stand being emotionally vulnerable. 

      What if he just wants me for sex?  What if he doesn’t care about me?  

      I didn’t bring up the FEELINGS last night so I guess this is what I get.  I chickened out.  

      But then he asked–twice!–“So, when’s your last day at the Superstudio?  Let me know!  I’d like to be your last session.”

      A dude who didn’t care about me wouldn’t ask that question, right…?  

      I’m at the Studio today.  In fifteen minutes, an English sadist is coming in to hire me as a masochist.  I’ve never met him, but the receptionist knows him–I guess he comes in once or twice a year when he’s in town, probably to take advantage of the currency exchange rate.

      She said that he would tip me at least $400.  More if I could “take it.”

       She said that I was the only woman on staff now that she knew could “take it.”

     If this guy’s a real player, I’ll be black and blue for a week.  At least.  Probably ten days.  The Attorney marked me for a month.

      If I do this, what will I tell the Mathematician…?  

      What will he think of me…? 

       I need the money.  I won’t get paid from my new job for at least two weeks.  I had to pay school.  Rent is due.  

       I feel anticipation.  The violence.  It’s been a long time

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