Questions for Ex-Mrs. Mathematician

     Yeah, so…

      The Mathematician is divorced.  His wife dumped him to run off with a bounty hunter twice her age (no, I’m not making that up).  I kind of wish I could get her on the phone and talk with her, because I’m curious: that is just the sort of batshit insane move I’d pull.  

     I’d also like to tell her: boy, did you fuck up!  What were you thinking? 

     I mean, this is a really great guy.  Is there something about him that I’m not seeing?  Are his relatives a bunch of psychos who were constantly meddling in your household?  Because that’s the only thing I can think of that might be wrong with him.  He’s a gentleman–like the type who almost never uses curse words and pulls out chairs for women.  He has a great Protestant work ethic and a lucrative job that does not involve exploiting humanity.  He’s patient and devoted to his children.  He’s handsome and wears nice clothes.  I guess he is sort of a dork compared to a bounty hunter, but for a man with a Ph.D. in mathematics he is pretty cool.  

      Objectively, how could this man be improved upon?  

       What–he wasn’t exciting? 

        Oh yeah–I know how it is.  Been there, done that.  I dumped the best boyfriend I ever had–a guy that loved me, really loved me for “who I am,” whatever the hell that means–so that I could be with an abusive psychopath who was only nominally more functional that my father.  John.  The one I had to take to family court in order to get away from, and I wasn’t even married to him.  I still remember sitting in the living room of my Hoboken apartment, hyperventilating and shaking in fear, hoping that the locksmith would arrive and change the locks before John came back and blew my head off. 

      Yeah.  That was exciting, all right.  Too exciting.  After that, I was done with love.  I stopped believing in it.  Love was for other people.  I was never gonna put myself in that situation again.  Men were for fun, and I was never going to be emotionally vulnerable again.  I would always be in charge of the relationship.  

      My analyst just came out and said to me one time: Margo, you are very attracted to danger. 

      What does it get me…?  My life is very interesting. I have maximum freedom.  I can do whatever I want whenever I want and I can do whomever I want, and I’m not accountable to anyone, except maybe my landlord and the IRS. It’s exciting to keep all the balls I’m juggling in the air all the time.  It’s always a little thrill to check my professional email and wonder if there’s going to be a message: “HEY!  Do you work at the Superstudio?  Do your students’ parents know that?  How about your family?  And who was that man you were with in that hotel?  He wasn’t the one you brought to the Christmas party.  And did I see pictures of your bruised, mangled ass on the internet?”

       Yeah, it’s interesting.  But is it fulfilling? 

       So, Ex-Mrs. Mathematician…is your life fulfilling now?  Do you miss what you had?  

NERD ALERT!  This science-themed hotel provides beakers to drink out of instead of normal glasswear.  Says the Mathematician: “I love this place!”  Wow.  Well, I guess it’s healthier than wanting to beat the shit out of me with a belt. Or hiding syringes around my apartment while I’m in the shower. 



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