CollarMe Hell: What Have You Got Against Wolves?

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    The CollarMe Hell series is going to write itself.  If I can stick it out, that is.  I’m not sure I’m going to be able to.  

     New Rule: no more checking my messages first thing in the morning.  I just did that, as I sucked down the first if the day’s ten Diet Pepsis, and now I want to climb back in bed and pull the covers over my head.  

       There are many things to share, but I think I’ll opt for this one…the profile picture of man who wrote to me:


         Why?  Why, God, why?

          He’s not a teenager, either–no getting off the hook!  He’s older than me!  He’s middle-aged!  ARRRRGH!  

        Here, I will be nice and cleanse your eyeballs with something gentle and soothing.  

        Scientists have identified a new species of monkey in the Congo.  And what an awesome-looking monkey it is!


           Some commentors think the monkey looks disturbing, but I disagree.  I think he looks COOL!  Very human-esque.  The internet is full of memes debating which celebrity he most closely resembles.  My money’s on John Lennon.  

       I saw the Mathematician the other night. 

PIECESOFMARGO Presents: CollarMe Hell

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     Okay, so…this blog is, in part, about disclosure, so here it is (because I’m not going to tell ANYONE else in my life):

      I joined–or re-joined–the BDSM personals ad service CollarMe.

      Shoot me now! barf barf barf barf

      I only just re-joined fairly recently and I already want to die.  Why don’t I just give it up?  I’m doomed!  Doomed to be alone forever!

     (Though, realistically, I know that once I’m in a relationship and get comfortable, I’ll be saying, “I’m doomed!  Doomed to live forever in this boring-ass relationship!  THINK OF ALL THE OTHER EXCITING STUFF I COULD BE DOING!”  Like Chris Rock says: You can be Married and bored, or single and lonely.) 

     I’ll just put myself on the record now as saying: CollarMe is a sewer.  A.  Sewer.  A sewer on par with Craigslist, if Craigslist was all BDSM and lacked community policing.  It is so bad that I almost didn’t post about it here, because I’m so ashamed of being a member.

     I’ve received about a hundred responses to my profile so far.  Four are promising.  One dude is a diplomat with compatible political tastes.  We’ve been emailing and chatting back and forth.  He’s cute, too!  Very well-educated.  Age appropriate–well, pretty much–younger than 40.

       The catch…?  (Because you KNEW there was one!)

       He’s stationed in Asia. 

        Another good hit: a dashing Army officer.  Used to be a Drill Sergeant.  Imagine the possibilities! The mouth waters, it positively waters! 

        But I ain’t moving to the army base in Hicksville. 

        I did find a promising shibari teacher.  That’s good.

        And I found The Attorney.  Or, more accurately, he found me.  Yeah, that Attorney–Mr. Sadistic “The Pizza Was Fantastic!”  My profile was up for less than two hours when he contacted me.  

        I didn’t respond, but I have to admit, I still think about that man from time to time.  I know he’s bad news and I dodged a bullet with him when he rejected me, but those were superlative beatings. That man was so skilled.  So, so skilled.  He was so precise.  God.

      **shaking myself out of it**

      God help me.

      Anyway…until I throw in the towel on CollarMe, again, and run  screaming in the opposite direction, again, I am going to start a new blog series: “CollarMe Hell.”

         In CollarMe Hell, I will share ghastly, demoralizing, and/or hilarious shit I find on CollarMe.  I’ve actually been kicking around this idea for some time, but I’ve never done it because it feels mean to pick on people’s internet dating profiles.  I mean, really.  But I figure, if I don’t share people’s correspondence, or face, or share the screen-name/alias attached to whatever I post, it’s not that bad, is it…?  Especially if I take it down if anyone complains?  

       Anyway, here is the first installment of CollarMe Hell.  Sent from the profile of a male dominant who emailed me:

Presented without comment

Is this Gay? Please Advise

      Okay, I got input from seven individuals.   Two of them left comments (thanks guys!). 

       Four respondents say that the guy in question has some bro-mance crush gay thing on his enemy.

      Six respondents say that wanting his girlfriend to sleep with his enemy is creepy and fucked up (one comment said is was stalker-ish).  Another respondent speculates that competitiveness may have something to do with his motivation.

      Hmmmm much food for thought, thank you, hmmmm

                    *                     *                          *                      *                                 

     Hey, party people!  

      I’ve been trying to figure something out.  It’s kind of a weird, touchy issue.  But I thought to myself: a lot of guys read this blog.  Maybe I could throw this out there and get some helpful input.

       Okay: let’s just say that you were a girl, and once upon a time, you were in a relationship with this guy.  

       The guy had an enemy.  No exaggeration: an enemy.  Someone that he used to be friends and business partners with, but they had a (very mysterious) falling out, and now they were enemies.

      And let’s just say that this guy was obsessed with his enemy. 

      Now, let’s just say, hypothetically, that you went to a conference with this guy.  And his enemy happened to be at this conference.  And your guy concocted a scheme to have you pick up his enemy at the bar and have sex with him in his hotel room.  Meanwhile, the enemy would have no idea that you were in a relationship with your guy, or that the he was being manipulated. 

      Seduction accomplished, you get together with your guy again, and he wants to hear alllllllll about it.  His focus, in the conversation, is on his enemy and his enemy’s behavior during the event.  Not on you and what you experienced.  

      Now, I ask you: Is that gay?  Like, a gay tendency?  Does that sound gay to you?  

      It’s okay if it is.  And I’m not suggesting that this man was gay, because he wasn’t.  But this obsession thing seems sort of gay. 

     Or is this some cuckold thing?  

     I’m confused.  

     And no, this is not what I did in Boston. 

     Any thoughts?