I got a promising hit on CollarMe! FINALLY! A European sadist who can quote Goethe and Baudelaire and read Celine in French!
Wait…I better check and make sure this guy’s not Heinrich. It’s gotta be Heinrich.
Boy, did I ever blow it with Heinrich. I kept it platonic because I was worried that having sex with him would eventually lead to the dissolution of the friendship. I waited too long and then he got a girlfriend and then he went to work back in Germany. :-/
Anyway, where was I…? Oh yeah!
I browsed some of the FemSub ads to see what the men were dealing with. And to check out the competition, I admit.
“My submission is a gift!” I saw this silly statement on many FebSub ads.
REALLY? Wow. What gave you that idea? I work with a lot of male subs and masochists. They say some silly things sometimes, and they can be selfish, but I don’t think any of them has ever said something like that to me.
Let’s deconstruct this statement. It is problematical for several reasons.
First, a gift is something that is given without the expectation of reciprocation. When I give presents to people, I don’t remind them of how precious or expensive the gift is. That’s manipulative. There are words to describe manipulative subs and manipulative people in general. Most of the words are not complimentary.
Secondly: sadomasochism is embarassing enough without adding an additional layer of cheese and canned corn over it. Jesus Christ. Are we going to a Renaissance Faire next? I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely terrified that a filmmaker out there is planning to make a Trekkies-style documentary about us. When that happens–and it will–we will never, ever live it down.
Third: this statement has a defensive tone to it. The submission-as-gift thing was often right next to assurances that the individual was aggressive in other roles in life/accomplished/not a doormat/a feminist/wealthy/independent/etc. My personal belief is that if you have to qualify your submission, then you are ashamed of it. Also, you shouldn’t have to describe your accomplishments and personality to anyone outside of a job interview. If you are aggressive, anyone who is not an idiot is going to be able to recognize it. If you are educated, people are going to think: “This person sounds well-read.” Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being submissive, is there? Don’t make excuses for it! You’re not in court!
Finally: who the hell are you trying to fool? If you’re submissive or masochistic, you don’t do it because it’s a gift to another person. You do it because it’s who you are. You do it because it gets you off. You do it because you enjoy it. You do it because it turns you on. It’s not a sacrifice, or a gesture of accord or honor towards the other person. If you weren’t doing it with them, you’d be doing it for someone else if you possibly could. I’ve hurt a hundred men in all sorts of ways, and not one of them endured it as a gift to me. I’m not vain enough to tell myself otherwise.
(One time I had a conversation with someone about that beating I got from the Attorney–that incident with the sexual favors, when I declined to take his money. The person I was talking to said, “What a total, selfless act of masochism.” This person’s analysis was very misinformed. There was nothing–nothing–selfless about my behavior that day.)
Tangentially, if your submission is a gift, then what, exactly, is the dominance your partner provides? Chopped liver? Dominance is a lot of work. A lot of work. And you have to practice it a lot in order to get good at it.
That’s my take on that.
And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the worst CollarMe graphic of the day. It is like some sort of unholy trifecta of canned corn: a rose, a wolf, and the full moon. AND a hawk. Niiiiiiiice!