CollarMe Hell: “My Submission Is A Gift!” REALLY?

       I got a promising hit on CollarMe!  FINALLY!  A European sadist who can quote Goethe and Baudelaire and read Celine in French!

       Wait…I better check and make sure this guy’s not Heinrich.  It’s gotta be Heinrich.  

     Boy, did I ever blow it with Heinrich.  I kept it platonic because I was worried that having sex with him would eventually lead to the dissolution of the friendship.  I waited too long and then he got a girlfriend and then he went to work back in Germany. :-/

      Anyway, where was I…?  Oh yeah!

      I browsed some of the FemSub ads to see what the men were dealing with.  And to check out the competition, I admit.  

       “My submission is a gift!” I saw this silly statement on many FebSub ads.

       REALLY?  Wow.  What gave you that idea?  I work with a lot of male subs and masochists.  They say some silly things sometimes, and they can be selfish, but I don’t think any of them has ever said something like that to me.  

       Let’s deconstruct this statement.  It is problematical for several reasons.  

      First, a gift is something that is given without the expectation of reciprocation. When I give presents to people, I don’t remind them of how precious or expensive the gift is.  That’s manipulative.  There are words to describe manipulative subs and manipulative people in general.  Most of the words are not complimentary. 

    Secondly: sadomasochism is embarassing enough without adding an additional layer of cheese and canned corn over it.  Jesus Christ. Are we going to a Renaissance Faire next?  I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely terrified that a filmmaker out there is planning to make a Trekkies-style documentary about us.  When that happens–and it will–we will never, ever live it down.  

    Third: this statement has a defensive tone to it.  The submission-as-gift thing was often right next to assurances that the individual was aggressive in other roles in life/accomplished/not a doormat/a feminist/wealthy/independent/etc.  My personal belief is that if you have to qualify your submission, then you are ashamed of it.  Also, you shouldn’t have to describe your accomplishments and personality to anyone outside of a job interview.  If you are aggressive, anyone who is not an idiot is going to be able to recognize it.  If you are educated, people are going to think: “This person sounds well-read.”  Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being submissive, is there?  Don’t make excuses for it!  You’re not in court!  

       Finally: who the hell are you trying to fool?  If you’re submissive or masochistic, you don’t do it because it’s a gift to another person.  You do it because it’s who you are.  You do it because it gets you off.  You do it because you enjoy it.  You do it because it turns you on.  It’s not a sacrifice, or a gesture of accord or honor towards the other person.  If you weren’t doing it with them, you’d be doing it for someone else if you possibly could.  I’ve hurt a hundred men in all sorts of ways, and not one of them endured it as a gift to me.  I’m not vain enough to tell myself otherwise.  

     (One time I had a conversation with someone about that beating I got from the Attorney–that incident with the sexual favors, when I declined to take his money.  The person I was talking to said, “What a total, selfless act of masochism.”  This person’s analysis was very misinformed.  There was nothing–nothing–selfless about my behavior that day.)  

       Tangentially, if your submission is a gift, then what, exactly, is the dominance your partner provides?  Chopped liver?  Dominance is a lot of work.  A lot of work.  And you have to practice it a lot in order to get good at it. 
         That’s my take on that.

      And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the worst CollarMe graphic of the day.  It is like some sort of unholy trifecta of canned corn: a rose, a wolf, and the full moon.  AND a hawk.  Niiiiiiiice!  


4 thoughts on “CollarMe Hell: “My Submission Is A Gift!” REALLY?”

  1. “sadomasochism is embarrassing enough without adding an additional layer of cheese and canned corn over it.”
    +1 And very quotable. 🙂

    I think you are very right about many many subs who make grandiose claims while typing one-handed. They want to submit, be humbled, and be special at the same time – like wearing a life preserver while leaping from a high diving board.

    However, there’s this thing; no unselfish act is truly unselfish if you look at it too closely.

    Most gifts that bring happiness to the receiver also give pleasure the giver.

    Some subs – by which I mean me, I suppose – want to serve – *really* serve, as in cleaning the boots, not licking them.

    In that sense, when I submit, I am making a gift of myself to my mistress. In return, she gifts me the experience of being treated as a slave, and we are both happy.

    However, I don’t think the gift thing makes me special, or is a particular selling point. Much as I enjoy giving myself, the benefit to her is being served. I would be uncomfortable and embarrassed by anything else.

  2. This gift thingy is especially roaming the FLR (WLH) corners of vanilla femdom, and rarely showing up in hardcore SM neighborhoods of the velvet underground.

    It’s hard to get this in their heads: I don’t want gifts. I simply take what i want!

  3. I think you are a little too hard on her. A lot of people aren’t good at expressing themselves even when they don’t have to reflect on their deep wishes and how they relate to others. Clichés are pretty common in the BDSM culture to begin with. A lot of the stuff one can read on the net is just that…

    What the “FebSub” ad really says is that she wants a provider-type hubbie who can also fulfill her kinky needs. Not at all uncommon as a princess fantasy. I estimate the number of actually dominant partners she had in her life is about zero. The need to experience “complete” surrender but only with the absolutely right person is usually called falling in love so it is difficult to even consider a kink. A lot of the CollarMe is really just MarryMe.

    Your blog, which I’ve just discovered on this windy winter day, is quite refreshing. Thanks for writing it.

  4. I love (and appreciate) all the comments on this post. What a diversity of individuals.

    Avid Listener: I couldn’t publish your comment on my post “Date Decision Flow Chart.” I wish that I could, but it has the potential to threaten my privacy. I do thank you for writing it. If you want to, shoot me an email, and I’ll respond to your points/questions that way (via email). Thank you.

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