MONSTER COCKROACH TERRORIZES MARGO

My reader, John (he can be found in the comments section), hooked me up to this great song about cockroaches:

Update 9/10/12    I slept with the light on last night and had awful dreams about cockroaches.  I want to know if this fucking thing is still in my room, but I don’t want to research the insect (I think they live in nests, so it would have gone home by now) because I don’t want to see pictures of them.  GROSS GROSS GROSS

   Today after I finish with laundry and my students, I am going to (get this) TRY YOGA.  Yeah yeah, you might be going, “Margo, that sounds like some bourgeois hipster bullshit to me!”  You may be right.  However, the tendons in my legs are stiff and tight and my posture is poor from spending so many years as a little office monkey.  The women at work rave about their yoga, so I am going to try it.  There’s a place by my house that offers a weeks’ worth of beginner lessons for just $25, so if it sucks or I’m too clumsy to do it, I won’t be out much.

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 So, I just got done brushing my teeth and was getting ready for bed when what do I see crawling on my bedroom floor but a HUGE FUCKING MONSTER COCKROACH!!!  I am serious!  This ugly motherfucker is even bigger than that bastard I sucked up in the dustbuster last year!

     I screamed and ran out of my room.

     I collected myself in the living room and tried to decide how to deal with it.  I would have rather seen FIVE mice than a roach that huge.  I would have rather seen RATS.   GOD!  BARF BARF BARF

    I fetched the bleach from underneath the sink.  What could I do?  I had to deal with it somehow.  It was in my bedroom!

     I peeked through the door and saw it sitting by the computer chair.  I tried to bleach it from the doorway.    I got some bleach on it, but it ran away.  I should have just stomped the ugly monster.  But I was scared!  It ran to my bedspread and I had to pull the bedspread off and I got bleach on it so I had to rinse it out in the sink just now!  BOO!  The roach ran under the bed and I am NOT going to chase it.  UGH!  UGH!  I hope I sprayed it enough to poison it!

     This disgusting  roach–where did it come from?  How long has it been living in my room?

      What am I going to do?  I keep looking over my shoulder, thinking it’s going to come out.  I cannot sleep with it here.  I could sleep with the lights on, but the light didn’t keep it away last time.  What am I going to do?  Sleep on the couch?  Because of a roach?  Really?


7 thoughts on “MONSTER COCKROACH TERRORIZES MARGO”

  1. resist the urge to drink and splat him next time. i hate insects in my house, on my house or within 3 ft of my house.

    i have been quietly stalking a huge spider from a safe distance, for about a month now. this is one of the biggest spiders i have ever seen in or around my house. he is not just huge, he is fast and crazy. the first time i saw him, i thought to myself, “this thing is rabid”. he saw me and made a crazed circular beeline for the crack between the deck and my house. i made a mental note not sit on my deck EVER again. last night i saw him on the side of my house, about 3 ft up from the deck. he was slowly making his way to the door. i nailed him, he fell on his back on my deck and his frantically moving legs reminded me of the wicked witch’s long creepy fingers. i watched him only for about a second. i imagined he was screaming something like “i’ll get you my pretty!”. i was afraid he would either make it over right side up and get away or fly up and land my face. i am pretty sure all of the smaller spiders won’t try to retaliate against me giving him a dirt nap. they will be able to relax now.

  2. haahahahhahahahahah

    Dawn, I LOVE IT!!!

    I did resist the urge to drink. And, yes, I should have smashed him. I should have stomped him with my sneaker or the toilet plunger. But I was chicken (actually, a chicken probably would have killed his ass).

    Your spider sounds like a real treat. I don’t know where you’re located, so I can only guess…I hope it wasn’t a tarantula! They have those in Texas and the South. Yucky yucky yucky.

    Brown recluses are scary too. And dangerous. One of my profs was bitten on the upper arm by one in his laundry room, and the doctors had to excise the gangrenous tissue…he has a pit in his flesh from the bite now.

    Insects–why do I hate them so much? I know, rationally, that they are almost all harmless and crucially important to the ecosystem. That monster roach could not have hurt me even if I picked it up in my hand.

    I hate them because they revolt me and I guess that is reason enough.

    Congrats on bashing your spider. Especially before he GOT INSIDE. You handled it right: screwed up your courage and smashed him! And I am sure all the bugs in a three-house radius are nominating you for a medal in heroism or bug-humanitarianism right now.

    Soon it will be cold weather, and the bugs will go away. Unless you are in SoCal or someplace. Then you are screwed year round.

    Nice to see you here, Dawn. I love your blog. Come back any time.

    Margo

  3. Dear Miss Margo,

    You know you’re a New Yorker when you start killing roaches with your bare hand. Until then, you are still an out-of-towner.

    I always keep bug spray in my apartment. It’s way easier to spray them from a distance than to smash or swat them.

    Here’s a link to the best cockroach song I’ve ever heard:
    http://www.myspace.com/harrywaller/music/songs/cockroaches-on-parade-39078117

    As to the coffee question, when you start to cite the 12 Traditions in your blog, even as a joke, you are pretty far gone in the AA cult. A service commitment to make coffee will do that to you. Of course, when I quit drinking you could smoke at every meeting. If you told me back then that smoking would be banned at meetings, I would have said it was impossible. Everyone will relapse. But they didn’t.

    Why would someone google to find out if every AA meeting has coffee? Are they considering sobriety, but the coffee thing is the deciding factor? Will they join AA only if coffee is served at every meeting?

    John

  4. Hi John!

    Well, I guess I’ll be an out-of-towner or tourist indefinitely. That is okay. I’ve never passed as a New Yorker and never aspired to.

    The cavalier attitude towards vermin is still somewhat new to me, however. People joke about it. And yeah. I’m sure many just swat them dead. If only I had the fortitude.

    Oh boy–you have psychic powers–today I went to the hardware store and bought a big can on bug spray. I shelled out the extra $4 for the “Jet-Force” Sooper Deadly can. I will have to be careful using it around the birds, but whatever. If I see that hideous roach in here again, he is in for a NASTY SURPRISE!

    LOL “Cockroaches on Parade”–I am adding the video to my post right now!

    A.A. sucks, but it beats being dead. I still cannot quote the Big Book without feeling like an IDIOT (God it is such an insult to my human intelligence!), but I can quote it, oh yeah. Incomprehensible demoralization, baby. Do you know what terror I experience, John, when I think that reliance on this motley crew quasi-cult is the best that modern psychiatry has to offer me in defense of death by alcoholism? (Two years ago, I was drinking myself to sleep 5 nights a week and all this scary shit was happening. I couldn’t even study or write much anymore. My personality was all…not me anymore. It’s just not worth it to live like that.)

    Actually, you probably do know.

    I don’t know what the Googlers are thinking, but it cracks me up. Actually, wait, I do know. They are probably engaged in Alcoholic Coffee Wars. Yup.

    Keep coming back (snigger snigger)!

    Margo

  5. Miss Margo,

    “A.A. sucks, but it beats being dead.” So true, so true. Don’t feel bad about modern psychiatry. They don’t even have a cure for schizophrenia yet, and they’ve been working at that for over 100 years.

    I think of myself as a scavenger. All my life I have been emotionally and spiritually deprived. I became expert at finding a few scraps to keep me going – a kind word here, an insight there. I was perfect for A.A. to work for me – you run into the occasional insight or act of kindness all the time.

    My only real complaint is that it is the most time-inefficient method ever devised. I sat for hours upon hours of meetings every week for maybe ten minutes of talk altogether that helped me. But that ten minutes saved my life.

    The best use of the Big Book is fending off the jerks who want to become the personal dictators of newcomers. They use fear of drinking and insist we do all sorts of crap – none of which is in the Book. It is also a great source for out-of-date slang – better than a Gary Cooper movie. One of my sponsors used to say, “You don’t drink and go to meetings. Everything else is conversation.”

    John

  6. Hi John! Thanks for your comment(s).

    I don’t know if schizophrenia’s a fair example–I’m not a M.D. but my understanding is that it is one of the most severe and mysterious mental illnesses, with a strictly biological origin. It’s not preventable. Alcoholism and addiction are comparatively pedestrian.

    I read this book by Kay Redfield Jamison called “Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide.” She is a psychiatrist with bipolar disorder. The book is excellent, though it is, as one might expect, painful to read. Anyway, she cites peer-reviewed research in it, the findings of which suggest genetic links between addiction, clinical depression, and anxiety (the Rhesus Monkey observation studies blew my mind). You are probably going, “Well, NO SHIT,” but my point is…addiction is something medicine can tackle more seriously. And the market is there; the need is there.

    Yeah, AA can be a time-waster. But I think that the investment is what helps make it worthwhile. Even if the meeting is not very good, the attendance teaches personal discipline and provides structure.

    And when it’s good, well, like you noted, it’s a life-saver. Makes you human.

    The book is awful, though. So, so bad. Cringe-inducing. Wilson was such a con artist. I wish I could let that go, but I just can’t. UGH.

    Thanks John

    M

  7. Hate roaches! Ugh. I never even saw any that were smaller than a couple of inches long “sewer roaches” until I moved to Vegas. This city is infested with them, and noticed that the big ones are mostly “outside” roaches that just slip in under the door, but don’t like to *live* in your place. The smaller ones do! My old cat kills the big ones fast, she leaves them on their back for me to find later. One of my young ones used to hunt them (she was aware of them long before I would be & stalked them) and she’d play with and torture them. Bite and let go, drop it on her arm then get it again. Basically torture them to death. I used to be so scared of bugs that I’d never kill them myself, I’d scream and run & get someone else. It doesn’t bother me to squash them anymore (typically with a paper towel and shoe) but I am still terrified of bees! My mom thinks it’s hilarious & gets me lots of bee gag gifts.

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