Operation Barbarossa on Rodents Menacing Margo Manor

Update Sunday 8:30 AM:      

      I caught TWO  of the mice last night with these spin traps.  The reviewers on Amazon.com write that the traps do not kill instantly as claimed, and that they heard the mice struggle and squeak as they slowly perished.  I, however, heard nothing but the sweet, sweet sound of victory.  

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I can’t write much right now–if you read this communique, gentle reader, then it has been successfully smuggled from the front lines of the miserable conflict your humble correspondent is fighting.

     In an unprecedented and utterly baseless act of blatant aggression, vermin have infiltrated Miss Margo Manor.  The small gray mice have demonstrated nothing but naked contempt for diplomacy and the law of war. They never communicated their intent to invade this apartment, nor have they provided any justification for their presence.   They are arrogant, insensitive, and vile in the extreme.  

      Without clear proof of the vermins’ intentions upon this apartment and its denizens, Miss Margo is left to speculate that the mice are here simply to harass the shit out of her, make her uneasy, suck up her free time, and threaten her peace of mind.  

      Hence, we have launched Operation Barbarossa against the Menacing Rodents.

      (…actually, now that I think of it, Operation Barbarossa was a spectacular failure.  Hopefully my campaign against the disgusting mice will be more like Napoleon’s Destruction of the Third Coalition.  Only time shall tell.  And yeah, I’m a war nerd.  I’m worse than a guy.) 

        One of them got into my Parrot cage, man.  That’s what really made me go psycho.  Till then, I was all, “There’s only two of three of them!  I’ll get humane Havaheart catch-and-release traps!”  I even ordered them from Amazon.com.  I’m not scared of mice the way I am of roaches–we had a few rats for a while in my last crummy apartment, and they never freaked me out.  They’re mammals, you know?  But after I saw the little mouse bastard running around in Parrot’s newspaper under her birdbath, I flipped.  I donned my rubber rain boots and long cleaning gloves and got my flashlight and a bottle of spray bleach.  I put on sunglasses just in case. I intended to smash it with the flashlight or blind it with chemicals.  Screw you if you are laughing at me right now.  The mouse tried to hide from me in newspaper shreddings, but then it leaped through the bars of Parrot’s cage.  I pursued, but somehow it escaped.  Asshole.  WHERE DID IT GO?  I CAN’T FIND THE HOLE!

     I spent four hours last night vacuuming, scrubbing, and BLEACHING everything in the kitchen and bird cages.  I have bruises all over my knees that have nothing to do with sadomasochism.  I ruined my fresh manicure and had to take a cold shower at 1 AM because I was sweaty and filthy.  

     Starting last night, I launched my defensive military operation.  Although I have only managed to bleach half the apartment thus far, I have laid out many, many traps.  Fuck those Havahart things.  You shoulda seen this mouse running around on Parrot’s floor!  And how could it jump out of the cage and run away, uninjured?  It would be like me jumping off the Chrysler building and jogging away! 

     The animals are on lockdown and all their food and water has been moved high off the cage floors. I put down poison traps, concealed snap traps (already caught one little bastard), and even the gruesome glue traps.   After they got into Parrot’s cage, I have no mercy left for them.  Parrot is probably big enough to kill one if it attacked her, but the little birds aren’t, and I can’t stand the idea of a rodent climbing in their house and scaring them at night.  NOT ALLOWED.  
       
     New York City living, man.  I never laid eyes on a wild (non-pet) rat until I moved to this area.  In my home town, a person had to live in squalor–absolute filth and squalor–to have roaches or mice in the home.  I had no idea rodents still infested cities in First World countries.  It struck me as archaic, like something out of Charles Dickens.  


      I intended to write something funny, but I guess I am preoccupied with expelling the vermin.  Sorry.

      I’m gonna go check the traps again.

9 thoughts on “Operation Barbarossa on Rodents Menacing Margo Manor”

  1. Check the heating and water pipes. A mouse can squeeze through even a small crack around a pipe, which for them is like a superhighway. Seal all cracks with steel wool. Also, make sure your door-runner seals the crack under your hallway door. Look for highest density of mouse droppings, that’s most likely where they are coming in.

    I just found this blog, but I love it.

  2. Hi, Downlow! Thanks for reading and thank you very much for your advice. I will check the water pipe underneath the kitchen sink and also the radiator heater pole thing behind the couch. It has a tiny crack around the pole, but I thought that it was so small that nothing could invade. I’ve been living in this apartment for 2 years and this is the first time I’ve seen a mouse.

    Ugh. So gross. And they are FAST! I hate the fact that you only see them streak past at the corner of your eye, so you think, “What the hell was THAT? I know I saw SOMETHING.”

    I am flattered that you enjoy my little blog. Please come by to read or comment any time!

  3. Mice love bird food. All rodents love bird food, just ask any homeowner with a bird feeder — biggest challenge is keeping the squirrels, chipmunks, and mice out. Once a mouse finds a free meal, he tells the others and you get put on the mice version of Zagat’s. And mice can squirm through very small cracks, I think their skeltons compress or something. Steel wool, that’s the only thing they can’t chew through. Also, don’t forget the door runner. I once mouse-proofed a lady’s apt in NYC — you have to go inch by inch. Any wall breach is a source of potential invasion, especially the radiator pipes.

    I find you very impressive. You are very tough. Very. You are stronger than 99% of guys walking the streets. Great blog!

  4. If you’re going to go with battle analogies, then maybe Hannibal at Cannae? A famous and crushing victory over a numerically superior foe. That sounds appropriate. Plus, it’s a favorite with all the military history geeks 🙂

    Although he did use elephants. And if cartoons have taught me anything, it’s that elephants are afraid of mice. So that might be a drawback.

  5. Hi again, Downlow!

    Yeah, I know about rodents and bird food–my mom goes crazy trying to keep the squirrels out of her bird feeders. I feed my birds almost exclusively a pellet diet–it’s some scientifically engineered, nutritionally optimal stuff that they cannot get fat on. It is rainbow-colored and does not resemble anything found in nature. I didn’t think the mice would like it (I don’t think the birds would eat it if they didn’t HAVE to), but in any event, I store all of it in the fridge now just in case.

    Thanks for the compliments. I can be a pretty tough cookie, but keep in mind that when you’re reading accounts of my heroics at the Studio, being tough–or hard–is part of the job description. It is a part of my personality that I have cultivated, but part of it is also acting. In my regular life, I’m a polite and considerate individual, and of course I can be intimidated. I’m afraid that I’m not being as clear as I would like to be…

    Hi Paltego! Nice to see you here!

    Yeah, Hannibal was pretty awesome. What a great story that military campaign turned out to be. I always pitied the elephants, though. Crossing the mountains in snow, totally out of their natural habitat. If I was one of those elephants, I would have killed as many humans as I could have, just on basic principle. Poor guys.

    I like to read about antiquity.

    Thanks for commenting!

  6. Hey Margo, I saw you kind of reply to my comment on DrugMonkey’s blog. I agree with most of what DrugMonkey says. All pharmacy chains are about the money and do not care about the well being of their employees. Who would like a corporation that fired you for giving an opinion?

  7. Hi Miss Margo,

    I had mice as well. I think its funny that this post has gotten so many comments – sex, politics, perversion, not so much. I agree about using steel wool to block every opening, especially around pipes.

    I saw a mouse in my apartment,and soon learned that no one ever has ‘mouse.’ People have ‘mice.’ I killed a dozen in my place after I saw one. I used the snap traps. One night a noise woke me up. A mouse had its hindquarter in the trap and in a desperate, though futile, attempt to live had dragged itself into my bedroom and was trying to knock the trap off by slamming it against the side of my bed. After that I began to refer to my apartment as a charnel house. Good times in the city.

    Kill them all,
    John

  8. Hi John! 🙂

    Yeah, I’ve even gotten emails full of advice from people about this post. They are all helpful. Folks have strong opinions about the mice. UGH!

    I have been sort of astonished at the blog posts people gravitate toward. My tracking analytic are pretty primitive–I know hardly anything about my readership–but I know which posts are (comparatively) big hits, and they’re never the posts I’d expect.

    Mice drive people batshit, I guess. We are unified in our hatred of them. But better mice than roaches, IMO. I am scared of roaches.

    Nor do I have the testicular fortitude to use traditional snap traps. We used them at my last apartment when we had a brief infestation, but I was living with two dude roommates, and the dudes dispatched the corpses.

    Your story is gruesome, but interesting. I know I am getting tougher because I feel no compassion for the mouse in your trap. Another gentleman emailed me and said that he used glue traps and when he caught a mouse in one, he put them in a plastic bag and beat them with a big skillet to end their suffering. When I checked the traps this morning, I found FUR and pawprints on one of the glue traps. The little bastard ESCAPED!

    Yours in mouse annihilation,

    Margo

    P.S. I wonder what it’s like to be a man who is terrified of vermin. I am scared of bugs but it culture, it is permitted. I guess men get a hard time for it.

  9. Margo! Snaptraps are the way to go! They are reusable, and unless you’re made of money, they are the way to go. Home Depot, and other places, sell new-fangles ones that look sort of like small bear traps and are made of white plastic. Those old Victor wood and metal traps are a thing of the past. The new ones are easy to set, and a little peanut butter arracts the mice. Once caught, the traps opens easily with just a press on the back part and can be re-used. You don’t even need to change the peanut butter! Once you get over seeing the first dead mouse or two, you become immune. Trust me, I used to live in the woods and have caught too many mice. White plastic snap traps; fix you right up.

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