Crushed

The Surgeon’s been trying to return my call and I’m scared to pick up.  He was in the OR when I called him. 


I gained ten lbs since the last time I saw him.  Maybe he won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  I was really skinny in winter.  


I been crying all day.  I kept having to reapply my makeup at work.  And then a man came in and said something bad to me, something truly bad and shocking.  I will never forget it.  He is lucky I didn’t murder him.  I kicked him out.  


I can’t believe my Mom wouldn’t help me.  I wish I’d never asked her, because now I am crushed.  I never asked her for anything before.  I have been racking my brain trying to think what I have done wrong as her child.  I have always been dutiful. I was the best one of all my childhood friends.  


Maybe she is mad at me because I moved away from her.  


She gave my little brother the down payment for his house.  He has not even graduated from college!  His bachelor’s!


Maybe she doesn’t love me as much because of my father.  He was a bad husband to her, but that’s not my fault.  He was awful to me, too.  


I don’t know what I did.  What did I do?  Really.  What did I do wrong?  I thought she was proud of me.


I was going to ask my brother and uncle for help, but I don’t know if I can.  If they told me no too, I just don’t think that I could handle it.  


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