Dear Miss Margo:
Please pardon this interruption. We’ve worked together for many months, but still haven’t been formally introduced. I see you around here all the time, I’ve always admired your taste in wardrobe accessories, and I enjoy listening to Frontline PBS with you from my perch on top of your television set.
I am your (NameBrand) Wireless Internet Router! I am sure that you are familiar with my KSA, given how frequently you rely on me to perform crucial professional and recreational tasks. I am engineered to provide reliable wireless coverage in your apartment, fast wireless speed, and security measures to keep hackers and identity thieves from accessing your computer.
As the introduction manual included in my packaging says, I am a State-of-the-Art device intended to serve you in any way I can, 110%, for at least–at least!–as long as my warranty stipulates!
And the pleasure is all mine, Margo! I take such pride in my work!
Therefore, I cannot fathom why you are suddenly disconnecting and re-plugging the connection cord on the back of my frame! I’m sure you don’t mean to be insensitive, but it’s quite jarring to be shut down and rebooted several times in an hour.
I am here to help you. I have no idea why your computer(s) cannot connect to the internet, even though they are only a few feet away from me. Are you certain their modems are not malfunctioning…? All three of them…? You’re sure–they can connect via other routers…? Really?
May I suggest that you try fiddling with my antennae, even though you just did five minutes ago? Because of the way my antennae are designed, it is impossible to know whether or not they are really attached to me and functioning. Adjust them again and see if that helps! You see how I like to be helpful. I take such pride in my work.
Margo, I must say, I am disturbed to hear such profanity from you! You are normally so controlled.
I have no idea why your connection to the internet randomly fails while you are trying to e-mail your resume! I understand your frustration. I don’t think that the ethernet cable has anything to do with it. Maybe try turning the power squid off and on…?
I hope this misunderstanding does not damage our future relationship. I urge you to consider all of the good times we’ve had. We’ve read Jacobin late at night, and I’ve aided you in penning a thousand witty, sarcastic statements in the comments section of various blogs and news articles. With my help, you have explored the insanity-inducing, labyrinthine corridors of the abysmally-designed website of the US Department of Health and Human Services.
I’ve done so much for you, that I can’t understand your animosity towards me. You know that without me, you can’t do anything, right?
Margo, picking me up and shaking me will not solve anything. And again, that language is completely unnecessary.
Why don’t you consult my manufacturer’s website for advice? Oh…what’s that? Oh, you can’t get online….
That dirty look really hurts my feelings, Margo.
I don’t know why the green indicator lights blink inconsistently!
I’m sorry, Margo, but if you keep treating me in this fashion, I will have no other choice than to stop providing you with even sporadic access to the internet. I am a professional and I refuse to be abused.
Dear Miss Margo: