The Surgeon is pursuing me relentlessly.

I knew that he would react this way when I left him.  This isn’t my first rodeo.

Memo to self: he does not want you because he loves you.

I know, myself, that urgent, violent need to POSSESS an individual. (Unlike the Surgeon, I can control this urge, and I’m aware of it, and I can TURN IT OFF when the time for it is done–when it is no longer appropriate to feel or engage in these behaviors).  That–the desire for possession and its attendant security is what he is currently feeling, in addition to the feeling of being insulted.  And out of control.   Hates to feel out of control; for a personality like him, there is nothing worse.  We are just alike.

But the intensity of his scrutiny–it’s like standing in the sunshine; it’s what I’ve craved all my life.  To be seen, to be recognized (by the object of my desire–this is different than wanting to be liked or popular).  This is what makes me such an excellent masochist.  And I am, without question, a superlative masochist.  I am not afraid of pain, and I can eroticize being the subject of hatred.

    The best way I know to channel, handle this, is to be controlled by someone who will not damage me.

   Where do I find such a man…?

   If it can’t be done, then how can I give this up?

Oh God, I’ll take this down for certain.  Too intimate.   But I cannot afford my analyst these days.

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