Apparently, Miss Margo has “Man Hands”…

Update 3/29  7:15 AM:  Interestingly, this blog post has proved to be very popular among my 8 readers.  Why?  Is it the topical subjects, my sense of humor, or the inclusion of the hater hatemail comment?  Inquiring minds want to know!  

    Also–Seinfeld gets props for making me want to move to New York City.  The show really captures the weirdness of this place.  I’d catch the re-runs sometimes as a teenager and think, “That’s the city for me!”

     And here I am.  I escaped!

     Here, gentle reader, I will tell you something that is very Seinfeld-esque NYC about my apartment: it’s a hundred years old, and Jacob Riis was probably here to take photos of the fourteen Italian kids who once slept on the floor and worked all day to make silk flowers.

     The wooden floors of this place are not even.  It took me a little while to catch onto this fact after I moved in.  I knew something was off, but I couldn’t identify it.  I figured it out when I noticed that the water level in my big aquarium was uneven (I had to jack up the stand on metal coasters to prevent a water leak from uneven distribution of pressure).  If I sit in my computer desk chair very still, and raise my feet off the floor, my chair starts to roll.

     Ah–this will be another topic for my Things I Don’t Understand about New Yorkers series: bizarreo apartments.  For some reason, a lot of them are constructed strangely.  My kitchen has nonfunctioning drawers.  I have seen apartments without closets.  I have seen apartments with a bathtub in the kitchen.  Apartments where the front door opened up into the bedroom.

     My own apartment actually has a huge amount of space for what I pay for it–like, it has a functional living room in which I can entertain guests, and the bathroom is practically spa-like for Manhattan poor-person standards.  But it has trade-offs: my living room has NO WINDOWS.  ZERO WINDOWS.

      Good thing I’m not claustrophobic!

      I put my birds in my bedroom sometimes so that they can see sunshine and sky.  That denied inheritance of theirs.  They must ache for it.  They are emotional creatures (but not like mammals).  My shy little Parrot wants me to watch her all the time.  When I leave, she calls for me.

                                   *                                      *                                  *

  Remember that episode of Seinfeld in which Seinfeld was dating an otherwise attractive woman who had masculine hands…?  Seinfeld was in reruns by the time I grew old enough to appreciate it, but when I caught that episode, I thought it was hilarious.

    Okay, I found the link to the video on YouTube (God bless you, YouTube!), but “embedding has been disabled” for some absurd reason–doubtless something to do with money and bourgeois property rights…please click here to watch the scene on their site….

    Here is another scene from the same episode.  While not as good, it summarizes Seinfeld’s “girlfriend manhands” dilemma:

      Okay, so–perhaps you are wondering: What the hell does any of this have to do with anything, Margo? 

     Well, I’ll tell you what!

     Last night I get an email from some dude who wants to purchase my worn-out ballet flats.   What a fascinating life I lead!   

     Because shoe fetish does not fall into the “torture and profound mental distress” categories, I think: Okay, whatever, Mr. Shoe Wackadoodle!

     Seriously, though–he wants my old shoes, he can have em!  Hopefully, this will be a lucrative and rewarding activity for both of us!

     I write back, outlining the deal and asking whether he’d prefer my black flats or my red flats.

      Black flats!  He immediately responds.  His email is ecstatic.  May I have a pic?

     Okay.  A reasonable request, and it behooves me to take ten minutes out of my day to take a few photos, wash them, and send em his way.  I’m estimating that the odds that he is a time-waster are 50/50.

      Here is one of the SIX personal, candid snaps I took of my feet in the black ballet flats (FYI, I remember buying these shoes at a store called “Shoeforia” in Hoboken, New Jersey.  That was a pretty awesome store–I got a nice pair of caramel suede Italian flats there on clearance, and an awesome pair of Camper boots that I ended up losing in a hotel room on the Upper East Side.  Oh, hotel rooms I have known!).  This is the photo which caused all the trouble:

    Yeah yeah, I know my heel could use a little attention from the Ped-Egg and some vasaline.  I’ll get to it today, I assure you.  But whatever–still a nice thing to send photos, right?  Dude said he liked high arches!  I have high arches!  High arches for days! 

      The man writes back and says that he is alarmed because I have “masculine hands.”

      I have to tell you, I was stunned.  Nobody has ever said that to me before.  I get compliments on my hands, actually.  If I put in the work to wear fingernail polish, they’d really be pretty (alas, I usually can’t be bothered–for some reason, wearing fingernail polish makes me feel silly and infantile.  It’s special-occasion only.  And don’t even get me started on the phenomenon of fake nails!).

     I wrote back: “Wow!  For real?  But I actually have weak, small hands!  They don’t even wrap around a can of diet coke!  Want a pic of me holding a coke can?  I assure you, I was born xx-chromosome female.”

     For whatever reason, I was actually defensive about defending my femininity and my weak little female hands from this random stranger off the internet.  Why?  Why?  It’s only just occurred to me now, as I type this, that he could have been setting me up.

     That’s it!  Today I am going to the nail salon and I am going to get long, fake, airbrushed Fritoe talons that rattle the keyboard when I type and I am going to wear cubic zirconia cocktail rings and nobody will ever think that I have man hands again!  My nails will look like this:

   Man hands no more…!

17 thoughts on “Apparently, Miss Margo has “Man Hands”…”

  1. Forget about the man hands lets talk about those busted dry blue vain feet. Have you ever of a pedicure seriously i’ve seen better feet on dead bodies.

    Let me give you a little advice run straight down to the little asian girls nail shop and soak those tree climbers you call feet & consider some nail polish it might help with those man hands of yours.

    After you take care of that maybe you should consider some therapy & some meds’s then you might be able to have a normal relationship with a real person instead of pimping out your smelly shoes to strange men online.

    But then again at your age it might be a lost cause thinking you can change your alternative life style & still have a chance at what most people consider a healthy stable relationship.

    Now I see why you are so hostile with people its because you are a emotional train wreck who is unable to feel or express compasion for anything accept for your self and your impressive education.

    And dont feel bad cause you think your picking on me because honestly I think your pathetic and your opinion means about as much as those smelly slippers your selling to what im sure is a fine example of what a well a educated person does when seeking a compatible partner.

    Kind of funny you thought I was a woman because nothing could be father from the truth, so trust me on the Manicure & pedicure because old crusty feet are not what men are looking for in potential partners. Well good luck with the hands and feet a little lotion and a some nail polish will go along way or maybe a pair of gloves & socks to cover those paws of yours.

    your friend ffyr
    ps you now may address me as Sir !

  2. Thank you for taking the time to write this, FFYR.

    I’ll leave it up for posterity.

    Do you know what that word (“posterity”) means without Googling it…?

    Miss Margo

  3. I think it’s Swahili for bunion am I right ? Im leaving for a run up the snake river in my doucheCanoe ( Skeptifems pet name for me) but when I get back maybe we could discuss how much for you other worn slightly soiled flipper.

  4. Ah, FFYR, welcome back!

    You know, I must admit, I might have underestimated you. Despite the truly bizarre content of your website (I’m one to talk, I know) and the hysterical tone of your comments in the thread on Craven Desires, it seems that you are not without some native intelligence. The last line of your first hater hatemail comment (“You now may address me as Sir!”) is actually pretty goddamned funny.

    But I have to ask: what’s up? I know we disagree about the dogs, but what’s with the trolling? It’s an honest question. Make no mistake–my blog is open to all adults, and you may troll till your heart’s content–but why’s it worth the effort to you? I’m not over at your blog snarking in the comments section.

    You are welcome to purchase my “flipper.” I typically charge 75% of the retail price plus shipping and handling, but because I know you, FFYR, I’ll cut you a deal: 50%. Truly, you will be the envy of New York. $40 + S&H and you can be enjoying my worn-out ballet flats by this weekend.

    I will also give you a shout-out. I heartily advise all readers to visit FFYR’s blog (carefully note his avatar, as well), and study the content therein.

  5. I honestly haven’t had a good laugh like this in a while I’m glad you were able to find some humor in it as well.

    So you ask why I was trolling around on your blog why else so I could see who I was dealing with and prepare for my counter strike.

    I was at the shelter (I volunteer three days a week)one morning and wanted to add something to my site but it was not my computer so I searched Fight4yourights blog spot so I could log onto my page and to my surprise a long list of links came up with my address connected to them choice pages Craven desires & skeptifem to name a few.

    I checked out one and there was a whole post about a couple of pictures and as the norm there were the typical insults and unsubstantial comments, but you got personal by insinuating I compared Pitbulls to American Indians quote “read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee You Fuck” & there was a comment that you were feeling tacky picking on someone as defenseless as me.Let me tell you I’m far from defenseless! Ive never found a problem I couldn’t find solve & have never quit anything once ive started I guess it’s the Scorpio in me.

    Those pictures were not comparing Dogs to American Indians they were comparing the same actions being taken & discrimination they faced , trying to eliminate a whole species is never an acceptable solution. And as far as the picture of Petey wearing a head dress ,that picture has been around for fifty years I didn’t take it.

    And why is it necessary to constantly insult people who are trying to defend their good dogs ? Do you really believe their all bad ?
    They estimate there’s 3.5 million Pitbulls in the U.S so with un registered dogs that means more like 5 million so it would take 50,000 attacks to equal 1% of their total population, now figure in how many are fought abused & just plain exploited by criminals.If these dogs were so dangerous you would see 10 times the amount of attacks.

    Every accredited animal association confirms that A.P.B.T’s are a people friendly breed by nature and human aggression is directly contributed to human interaction. I know it seem’s like everytime you hear about a Pitbull it’s attacking but that’s how the news gets ratings. Example there was 4 dogs who had bitten people all the same amount of damage accept one of them killed another dog also, the first two bites just made their local papers the third one that killed the dog and bit someone made the local paper and four surrounding city’s the fourth the Pitbull made 260 different news stations. Pitbulls bring ratings. take a look at life with dogs it’s not a pro pitbull site it’s just a dog site search Pit Bull and look at all the good story’s that you never hear about on the news because those story’s dont sell. 100 attacks a year vs four million nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred pitbulls who do nothing wrong.

    Did that bull terrier seem viscous when you woke up in that strange place ? What if they decided all green parrots had to be euthanized because one in Nevada plucked a childs eye out ! Would it be fair to blame yours.
    FFYR p.s I’ll have to pass on the ballet flat’s
    their not really my thing I’m into heels.
    We might frequent the same establishments
    this video was shot at Manray in Boston.

  6. wow, dude’s a stalker too. and a creepy dumb one at that. maybe april29 was right in asking pit nutter if he ever had any restraining orders against him. maybe you are pit nutter.

    i could be wrong but the “defenseless” comment is in reference to your short bus window licking intellect. we have no doubt that you can and regularly do defend yourself with big tattooed muscles, it’s the atrophied muscle between your ears that leaves us feeling pity towards you. case in point “trying to eliminate a whole species is never an acceptable solution.” i’d really like to know what percentage of pit bull owners understand taxonomy. there is highly educated nutter lawyer in texas (jeff shaver) who thinks hyenas belong to the family canidae! even with post graduate education, you people are dumb. no one mentioned anything about killing the entire species commonly known as canis lupus or the entire sub species canis lupus familiaris. we are talking about a man made BREED of dog.

    your tell all video adds another piece of the FFYR’s puzzle, confirming what many of use suspected all along. you are a misogynist. i’m so glad you took the time to post it. we can now legitimately add creepy to dumb. but seriously creepy dumb biker dude, i doubt that you could walk past the establishments that miss margo frequents without being harassed. in fact, i doubt that you could spell them let alone find them.

    i shall now address you as sir creepy nutter dude. of course you could reveal yourself to us and prove me wrong. til then, be sure to cover your head in the presence of green parrots and falling coconuts.

  7. Bwaaahahahhahahaha Dawn James, green parrots and coconuts!

    Yes, captive Senegal parrots are so lethal. I understand FFYR was making a hypothetical point, but the image invoked by the idea was, nonetheless, absurd.

    Am composing responses to your comment (and FFYR’s) and shall post them later tonight or tomorrow AM. Unexpectedly, I had students all day, and I haven’t been able to do blog fun stuff or attend to my private email.

    Thanks for your patience; will update soon.

  8. Jeez margo, don’t you know its your job to look attractive to any random dude or else you deserve to be told that you are worthless?

    Misogynists are so fucking dumb. It is like they can’t think of a worse insult than “I personally don’t want to have sex with you”, as if women, as a whole, rest their self esteem on if we can give an angry random man a boner. Heres a clue for dudes like FFYR: Women don’t care if you want to fuck them. Seriously. It is not even on the list of priorities. Your dick may as well not exist when women blog, they give so little of a shit about you or your ilk.

    Clearly FFYR needs to feel like a tough masculine dude via his dogs and his misogynistic attitudes (among other things).

  9. Sorry I haven’t responded to this thread before now. I realize that prompt posting is crucial insofar as blog discussion threads are concerned, but it’s been a pretty hectic week for me. I’ll take this one commenter at a time.

  10. FFYR: I didn’t “get personal” with you at Craven Desires. I do not know who you are. I found–and find–the pit bull/native american head dress genocide image very offensive and I expressed my disgust in frank and explicit terms. Craven Desires is the wild wild west of the pit bull war blogs. People who visit there with the intention of COMMENTING are there to commiserate, discuss, and fight.

    That is why YOU went to CD: to read and argue. I argued with you there. Imagine that.

    My blog is mostly about my personal life, as is indicated by my Blogger profile. My handful of regular readers have el zilcho demonstrated interest in pit bulls. My blog is not the optimal or appropriate venue for your soapboxing. I will publish any of your future comments precisely for this reason, however: commenting here MAKES YOU LOOK EVEN MORE CRACKED.

    Pit bulls commit MANY more than 100 attacks per year. If your claim were true, we wouldn’t be having this discussion, because I wouldn’t give a damn about the issue.

    The cost of the damage, suffering, and trauma these beasts cause our society is not quantifiable.

    What is worse: all that GRUESOME damage, suffering, and trauma is totally unnecessary and preventable.

    I will discuss this topic(s) with you on any of the pit bull war blogs (including your own) that we are both familiar with, but I will not continue to do it here.

    I will publish your comments, though, as I said.

    Regarding the rest of your post:

    Every now and then, a pet parrot does bite a human and cause them to go to the ER to get stitches. To the best of my knowledge (and I read a lot about parrots), the species that commit severe bites are Amazons and Umbrella and Crested Cockatoos.

    I have never heard of a pet parrot mutilating a person, or badly injuring anyone. Even a baby. Parrots are not threat to the public, especially to PEOPLE WHO DON’T OWN THEM. There are no PARROTS AT LARGE de-gloving and scalping people and chewing their goddamned arms off. If there were, I wouldn’t own one. Jesus. Why am I even talking about this…?

    My Parrot is a Senegal, anyway. The size of a pigeon. She bites the shit out of Popsicle sticks.

    Your video is disturbing and and pornographic, probably for reasons you don’t realize. I am glad that you shared it, however.

    Motorcycles are fun. My brother rides; I do poorly.

  11. Dawn James…! What a delightful surprise to see you here!

    I link to your blog there on the righthand side (NOTE TO FFYR AND ANY READERS) just cause I really dig your site. So, this is sort of like having one of my favorite overseas profs or colleagues knock on my door.

    I am thrilled with your retort to my other unexpected guest commentator, FFYR. Your relentless capacity for confrontation is a source of fascination to me. I am still learning how to apply my anger.

    I could not be bothered to argue most of the fallacies in FFYR’s….comment (I cannot call it an “argument”). The prospect of doing so gave me a big headache and made me crave gin martinis.

    I will join you in calling him Sir Crazy Nutter Dude.

    Thanks for visiting; come back any time.

  12. YAAAAY SKEPTIFEM! Another guest commentor! Never thought I’d see you here, as the topical content of our blogs does not overlap.

    Yeah, it was both a head-scratcher (cause it was not remotely relevant to anything we’d discussed previously) and totally predictable (due to misogyny) that of all the low-hanging fruit on this blog ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE, FFYR chose to attack…MY PEDICURE!!!

    Truly, the most eloquent prose I have read from FFYR consists of his insults to my feet. Here, he also displays the rare flash of wit (“…I’ve seen better feet on dead bodies.”).
    His zingers about my pedicure have tons of zing compared to his arguments about pit bulls.

    And yes, the entitlement men feel to comment on every woman’s appearance is deeply offensive and problematical.

    Thanks for visiting, Skeptifem. I like your blog a lot and look forward to future posts!

  13. See how popular ive made you those people never visited your page before my comments. Twist the stats however you like but less than 1% of pitbulls bite people. ffyr

  14. Welcome back, FFYR. I am curious: why did you post anonymously if you were inclined to leave your handle?

    (though I guess you could be a graffiti artist/plagiarizer w/this last comment…no idea as of now)

    I do my best not to ‘twist stats.’ My professional reputation and vanity depends on this.

    Please cite your claim that “less than 1% of pit bulls bite people,” and we can go from there. You need solid citations, FFYR, you can’t just make them up.

  15. They estimate 3.5 million Pitbulls in the U.S that means there’s more like five million but even at 3.5 million 35.000 would have to attack to equal 1% there’s not even close to that many even with grouping 8 different breeds into what they call a pitbull type dog. If im so far off why does almost every national animal association agree with me instead of backing up your beliefs ? The reason I posted anonymously is because I was not home. here are the experts who are on my side ,American Animal Hospital Association, American Dog Owner’s Association, American Humane Association, American Kennel Club, American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, American Veterinary Medical Association, Association of Pet Dog Trainers, Best Friends Animal Society, Canadian Kennel Club, Centers for Disease Control, Humane Society of the United States, International Association of Canine Professionals, National Animal Control Association, National Animal Interest Alliance, and National Association of Obedience Instructors, who is on yours.

  16. LOL! FFYR was burned by the skeptifem!

    hey FFYR, less than .01% mini blinds strangle kids. less than .1% toyotas accelerators stuck. what’s your point?

    miss margo, a nanny quaker parrot once tried to lick me to death. it hurt a little bit but there was no puncture, not even a bruise.

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