Sad Girl

   I feel like the saddest, most lonely girl in the world right now.

   Breaking up is hard to do, as the cliche goes, and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy when I decided to finally do it.  It is still painful.  We were never monogamous, but he was definitely the most important man in my life for several years, and I cared about him tremendously.  I used to love him a little, back in the beginning of our relationship, but bitter experience made me pull back from that.  He’s not safe.

    I don’t want to write about the breakup details on this blog because it’s undignified to do so (constant readers may notice I pulled two posts already–I’m sorry about that; I’m not trying to deny or revise anything, I just don’t think it’s fair to talk about him much).  

     The Surgeon finally got me on the phone this morning.  Basically, he was unkind.  He called me inhuman (among other things) because I was trying to remain calm and, uh, professional, if that makes sense.  Then he blamed me for being late for work because he was ranting and raving on the phone outside of Central Park.  Then, later this afternoon, he called back and invited me to go to (Tropical Vacation Paradise) with him this weekend.  

     He’s like a man with a bunch of keys on a keyring in front of a locked door, trying one key, and then another, and then another, to find one that works.  

    I cried in the shower and I cried in the bathroom at the library now I am sitting with Parrot on my desk crying.  I fucking hate to cry and I almost never do it.  

     I just want it to be over, but I know it’s not.  

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