Well, I went to see the Grad Director, and I guess that it went well because they told me things that I need to do. I wasn’t told NO, I was told what I need to do, so I guess that is affirmative–things could be okay.
One person I am friendly with called me and we talked on the Quad. That was nice.
At the train station I was so hungry that I bought some gummi bears. I was eating them on the train ride home. I was so overwhelmed and scared that I started crying. I could not help it. I tried not to, and I tried to look normal, but I was still leaking tears. I looked up and saw this young black guy with a textbook looking at me. He looked concerned, so I put my hair down (I was wearing it up) and let it fall around my face. Then I sat there leaking tears and snarfing down gummi bears like a nutcase psychopath. It was so embarassing. I hate to cry and I don’t show negative emotions in public.
Now I have a few hours to get my shit together and then I have to make myself SUPERPRETTY and go to work at a party in the SUPERSTUDIO. The very thought makes me want to barf all over the place. I want to suck down a bottle of Scotch, but I know that would just make everything WORSE.
I have to drag myself out of this, but I am so frightened and miserable.