The Plant that Ate New York

        So, I was at the store yesterday, examining the live plants for sale (it’s the time of year when stores stop selling them).  As the 4 readers of this blog already know (special shout out to Iran and Singapore!  Iran, I see you looking at my Coconut Porn, you perv!), I enjoy plants and animals tremendously.  They are what I have (or had–I’m really working to change myself) instead of human friends.

        Anyway, there was this beautiful dark green and purple plant on the sale rack.  It was a magnificent specimen–I mean, the thing was full and leafy and symmetrical, really a beautiful plant.

      I asked the lady at the counter what sort of plant it was.  She said that it was a “Wandering Jew.”  I know that the Jews have done (and do) a hell of a lot of wandering–those cats have really gotten around, if you know what I mean–but I felt a little uncomfortable calling a plant, even a nice plant, a Jew.  Not sure why–if it was called a “Wandering Ukrainian,” I wouldn’t think twice about it.  Weird.  I will have to ask a Jewish person how they feel about it.  Perhaps I should e-mail Philip Roth.

         Anyway, the plant was $17 and she “made a special discount for me,” so I carried my new friend to my apartment for only $15.

         Houston, we have a problem.

        The plant is so big and heavy that there is no place for it.  It eats up as much space as a bird cage, and it’s so heavy that it has to be hung from a beam.  The thing is huge.  It’s like the plant that ate New York. I hanged it in front of my bedroom window and it blocked out the light and the view.  I hanged it beside my bedroom mirror, and it occluded my view.  It’s absurd.  It’s the size of a TV set.  Furthermore, I have no idea how to take care of it.  There are no Wandering Jews where I come from.  Well, maybe two or three, but they all taught at my university.

     Do I prune it?  Make it smaller?  I have no idea.  It scares me a little bit.  It looks like a badass plant, like it could kill me in my sleep.


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