Have you ever gone to a friend’s house, only to have them rip out their boring-ass family album or vacation photos? Don’t you hate that shit? While you’re there, you’re a guest, and etiquette makes you a virtually captive audience (and don’t think that they don’t know it!). You can’t really say what you think: “Well gee, Stan, I do not care to see photos of you and your rugrats at Mount Rushmore!” Or, even more accurately, “If I had known I was to be subjected to this treatment, I never would have come,” or: “I hugely resent you for this.” If you are very lucky, you will at least be able to help yourself to another glass (or two) of wine–and not feel the slightest bit badly about it, even if you finish off the bottle. After all, it’s the least he can do for you, the insensitive bastard!
Now you have been warned. By all means, go outside and smoke a cigarette. Save yourself.
I had a great weekend! I was a little reluctant to take the trip at first–I’ve been writing under a deadline, it’s a lot of flight time for just a few nights, the town did not sound particularly interesting, I would have to reschedule my Saturday appointments, blah blah–but I’m so glad that I went!
After landing, I stepped out of the airport and spent probably ten minutes just standing on the curb, luxuriating in the heat and the dry, clean air. I felt like a cactus plant finally drying out after weeks of soaking in floodwater. Is that a clumsy metaphor? I don’t care–it’s true. I am just like a cactus. Have you ever watered a cactus too much? Seen what it does to them?
The hotel was centrally located and very comfortable and it had a great fitness center and a swimming pool. My room looked out on a particularly unlovely part of downtown (which actually reminded me of the place where I grew up), mountains, and sky, sky, blue blue sky:
|Oh horizon, how I missed you! P.S. If you look closely, you can see trails of smoke rising from crystal meth labs…|
|I seized upon the potential of the desk chair immediately…oh, never mind…|
|Image classily ganked from Google Images; I do not own this…|
|Check out that white-trashy tattoo heart! IT REVOLVES!!!|
|Note the sign: “TIGER WEEKEND” This will come up later…|
This aquarium was really great. It was not as good as the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, but it was superior to the Baltimore Aquarium and much better than the New York Aquarium (the New York Aquarium is cringe-inducing…maybe it was the Beluga whale that ruined it for me).
The awesome thing about this aquarium is that has many exhibits devoted to freshwater fishes! Freshwater fishes are the best kind of fishes. They look normal and wholesome, the way fishes ought to look. Fresh water is clean and safe, unlike the sea.
|nice tasty friendly freshwater fish|
|some freshwater crustacean. Did you know it is related to arachnids, like spiders and scorpions? It is basically a big bug. Gross! But so delicious.|
|Look at the size of this Pleco!!! awesome|
|more ocean creatures|
|Democrats in Congress…kidding…mostly|
|“We did not mean to imply that for paying $5 extra, we would show you live tigers…far from it! HONESTLY!”|
The employee had the good grace to at least appear embarrassed. I let him go easy because he was just a teenager and obviously had no role in engineering the aquarium’s deceit. And frankly, I was too stunned by the aquarium’s audacity to be angry. I mean, it takes a lot of balls to pull a bait-and-switch like that. New Jersey, Holzer, Sharpe James, Trenton-style balls. Especially when your victims are going to be mostly parents and young kids. Even the Surgeon, at his sleaziest and most competitive Joe Pesci-in-Casino worst (more on that later), would not try to pull that off.
Then I went back to the hotel, scrubbed up, and went swimming with the sharks in the hotel lounge.
I was looking for one in particular—a certain fellow I’ve been dying to meet for a long time now. It was a small game I was playing to satisfy my curiosity. I am a very curious girl. I circulated for an hour, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find the person I was looking for.
I shared a lovely dinner with the Surgeon. As we ate, we discussed the recent scandal at the attorney general’s office (gossip is unkind, but that was just too juicy to pass up). Later, I learned the clinical name for the pinprick hematoma around the eyes: petechiae. (I will spare you the photos. Don’t google it unless you really want to know).
“You’re so smart, baby!” I cooed.
He smiled, obviously pleased with himself, as he laced the terrycloth belt back around the waist of his bathrobe.
(I did feel a twinge of guilt later, remembering all the people I’d told specifically not to fool around with that shit—but what the hell, I told myself, I’m with a professional physician!)
The next day I went to the university district and walked around. It was mostly closed, but I still had a pleasant time. This college was fine with me. I’m carrying a grudge towards another one, father outside town, that once rejected me from their grad program. Assholes! You’ll be sorry!
I made it back in time to change into a suit and watch the Surgeon serve as a panel discussant. By this late date, you should be able to imagine how he performed, good reader (hint: one time, for a joke, I bought him a t-shirt that said ‘Hug Me! I Fatally Mauled a Competitor!’ Café Press sells everything). It was very exciting to watch—definitely worth the price of admission—but I have to admit that I felt a little sorry for her. She was young. Almost as young as me.
In any event, it definitely set the tone for the rest of the evening, which was just fine with me! The Surgeon is not an emotionally complex creature; he basically has two moods: charming and hostile. He is at his best when he is at both simultaneously.
I was thinking about that on the flight back, when I had the misfortune of sitting next to a woman who was profoundly obnoxious. She had one thing going for her: she did not smell bad. Every other way she could have been irritating, she was: she complained to the stewardess, loudly and at length, about things that the stewardess had zero control over; she removed her shoes and put her socked feet on the bulkhead in front of us; she complained that she should get a free drink because she’d paid for “priority seating” in the exit row; she kept jabbing me with her elbows and getting up to take breathmits out of her purse (and she was an overhead bin hog, which always makes me homicidal); she kept trying to speak to me. She was restless as a squirrel, but not as cute. I seriously wonder about people who cannot keep still. It was a long four and a half hours. Flying is miserable anyway—like being in a crowded Greyhound bus at 35,000 feet, with the panic-inducing bonus of knowing you are hurtling through the air at 600 mph in an aluminum tube.
Hell, I’m out of time. I’ll try to finish this up tonight if I get home before it’s too late.