I am astonished. I never would have guessed that I had it in me (in ordinary life, I mean). Oh, sure, the thought of assaulting someone has popped into my head from time to time—when UPS is torturing me over package delivery, perhaps, or the school administration has no record of paperwork I submitted both physically and electronically just the day before—but I have never, ever come close to acting on it. I am a very restrained individual, I am never impulsive, and I do not display strong emotions in public.
Now the only thing I feel when remembering the incident is honest surprise…at myself! The incident itself was trivial, not even worth recounting. The quickness and intensity of my anger is what has stayed with me.
I have extrapolated a small lesson from my own reaction: it is naïve to assume that I know what I am capable of.
(post script: Honestly–to me, this is a real head-scratcher. That happy rush towards violence, I mean. Is that the way men feel, and why they get into fights with each other so much? Are lots of people in jail who are usually rational and mellow, just like me, and who felt exactly what I felt in that moment and followed through on it? I am confused.)